Dorms are a great place to meet new people, they can be a good place to study, and they’re a great place to hang out or meet up before going out. They are NOT, unfortunately, a good place to have sex.

Dorm walls are usually paper thin, dorm bathrooms are communal and (if your school is anything like mine) disgusting, and people tend to barge into rooms unannounced. Not to mention the whole roommate thing. And sure, it can be fun to mix it up and have sex in random places, but it’s also nice to be able to lie in bed and bask in the after-sex bliss. So what’s a college girl to do? How can you have sex in the dorm without the whole world knowing and without pissing your neighbors off?

Make sure your roommate’s not home. I know, it sounds like a total no-brainer. But apparently, it was such a big problem at Tufts that they had to officially ban it. And frankly, I’m not going to say that I haven’t come home to a dorm room drunk and started hooking up without realizing that my hook ups roommate was home, sleeping. So TURN ON THE LIGHTS when you get to the room. I promise, the roomie will care a lot less if you wake them up with lights than with hooking up noises.

Lock your door. Also a no-brainer, but so easy to forget in the heat of the moment. But this won’t take care of everyone, so…

Make sure you let your roomie know it’s sexy time. If you know beforehand that you’re going to be getting some, talk to your roommate. Let her know you’d prefer her not to come home for that hour or two. And in case of the unexpected hook up, talk to your roommate EARLY on in the year and work out the classic sock, scarf, head band, whatever on the door. And if you are about to hook up and haven’t had that conversation already, ask one of your neighbors to make sure your roommate doesn’t come in, and promise her you’ll owe her a favor in return.

Don’t be a constant sexiler. No one likes to be sexiled, especially not all the time, and especially if you’re the only one doing the sexiling. Try to go back and forth between your dorm room and your hook ups, and make sure that you’re gracious if (and probably when) your roommate sexiles you. It’s all about compromise.

Be discreet. If it’s not late at night, play music. Loud music. If it is late at night, suck it up and be quiet. And if you absolutely can’t (get it girl!) cover your mouth with a pillow. And try to avoid knocking on your wall in any way… it’s a dead give-away. I’ve spent plenty of days finding it impossible to study because I’m jealous of the girl next door to me’s extra-curricular activity, and plenty of nights unable to fall asleep because of that incessant rhythmic clunk of a bed against the other side of my wall.

And finally, since you have such good etiquette, you get to ask the same of your neighbors. Be considerate of your roommate’s hook up time, but make sure that you don’t get kicked out 7 nights a week. If someone is knocking on your wall, knock back. If they’re being too loud, next time you see them, politely ask them to play some music or keep it down in the future. And if your roommate comes home drunk and starts hooking up without knowing you’re there, you don’t have to pretend you’re asleep while being silently traumatized—speak up! If you and your neighbors stick to these simple rules, you’ll all get to both hook up happily and enjoy your quiet time.

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