The subject came up in the comments section last week of who holds power in a relationship. This is important for two reasons: first, because I believe a relationship should be a partnership, and second, look how much the comments matter (please leave more k thx).

The comment talked about how feminism resulted in more women taking power in a relationship, and that men haven’t figured out what to do with that. I think there’s truth in this, but mostly I think it just allowed more freedom for people to be themselves. Old-timey “courting” rituals are outdated, and for many men, that structure may have made it easier to find a partner because they’re too shy, awkward or just plain insecure to actively pursue a person of interest on pure initiative. For someone who may need that extra push, it is often easier to hang back and see what happens.

The same goes for women. While many (including myself) find it liberating to know the confines of waiting for a man* to approach and extend gestures of interest and affection are a thing of the past, the balance of forging a relationship is much more difficult to manage. I don’t know about you, but my mom didn’t hand down much wisdom on this subject. I’m very grateful for that as a proponent of genuine interactions and avoiding overly contrived etiquette.

This leaves everyone in a tough spot, though. The unspoken culture that naturally passes between generations has left us with a general belief that, for example, the man should pay and the woman should wait for doors to be opened, but spoken culture has taught us to be empowered in ways that contradict these customs. The whole power dynamic is now up to both people in a potential relationship, and they have to rely on non-verbal clues as to what the other person’s approach is. And let’s face it, whatever our thoughts are on the subject, they’re flexible the second we find someone we like. You think opening doors is archaic and sexist? Well, that adorable green-eyed man-muffin you just met opened one for you and you kind of melted, didn’t you?

I think this issue is toughest at the outset of forming a relationship. How do you interact? Are you insulting a guy by making a move or making everything easier? Would it be good for him to be challenged, and should you therefore hang back? Are you defining the relationship by your initial interaction? Since there is so much gray area for whose role is what, it’s even harder to navigate the dating scene, and frankly, isn’t it easier to just throw in the towel, stay home, and watch High Fidelity for the umpteenth time? It is… If you like being alone and want your eventual children to be Mittens, Fluffy and Mr. Tibbles, that is.

The initial dynamic of a relationship has a lot to do with what happens down the road. The idea of who holds power in a relationship is dangerous, because it should really be a partnership. If there’s an imbalance, it can easily lead to emotional (or even physical) abuse. Mostly, though, it will just lead to unhappiness. Of course, both partners have different strengths and weaknesses, which can work and balance each other out. Power is a dynamic, an element to be shared, not a tool with which to get your way whenever you want. It can also be a great indicator of your dynamic with a person: if there is too much or too little, something is off. If things don’t feel right, you don’t have to stick with them. Don’t end up in a power outage just because you’d rather be in the dark with someone than out in the sunshine alone.

*This is all pretty heteronormative, I know. And I’m sorry. Gender dynamics of same-sex couples could fill a whole other page, since they have spent most of western history behind closed doors and have taken their rightful place in open society only fairly recently.

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