Have you ever kissed someone who didn’t want to be kissed?

Oh man. That’s a terrible road to go down. I’m going to share my sad tale with you in hopes that others will not have to tread down this path, for it is made of jagged glass and you’re in sandals.

Let’s just be real, there is a lot of underage drinking that goes on in college. When my story happened, I was legally allowed to drink, but I’m not going to judge you if you weren’t. The goal is to keep others from making my cringe-worthy mistake. What fueled this mistake was doing things that I really shouldn’t have been doing. Just because I could drink something as big as my head didn’t mean that I should have. And while I’m at it, this is a good tip: don’t try to drink your way out of insecurity. Not a good idea. Just FYI.

So, I was totally drunk at my own party, basically hitting on everyone in sight, and there was this guy friend of mine that I had known for a while and for some reason — whatever stupid reason, silly silly reason — I had in my head, I decided to kiss him. Even though we had been platonic friends for years, and even though he made a comment like, “Wow you’re really drunk,” which should have been a clue that I needed to calm down, I was too drunk to pick up said clue. I hadn’t even planned it out and I didn’t think I would until he left. That’s when I went for it, I leaned in for a crazy hug and a full on-the-mouth kiss, and he turned his head away. He then pretended like it didn’t happen, and left.

I know, you’re wincing, I can feel it. I’m wincing just typing it.

So how did I resolve the problem?

By making out with someone else not long after he left.

I know.

Then I decided I should be some sort of adult and apologize, so I sent him an apology text and he was very gracious about it, said it wasn’t a problem, and wished me a good night.

For most normal people, this should have come as a relief and a good response, one they could have lived with. But for me, because I am crazy, it had the opposite effect. I went on a texting rampage about what I good kisser I am (which is true, I’ll be real) and how he should at least kiss me once before he dies (WHAT?). Then I must have basically just mashed the keypad with my fingers because I remember a lot of strangely spelled words. Then I told him, hey, it didn’t matter anyway, because I was making out with someone else.

Trust me, I’m as horrified as you are. What was I thinking? I could easily blame it on the alcohol, but I am not Jamie Foxx and I don’t like him at all. I think I was just in a desperate place where I really wanted assurance from someone that I was sexy and attractive and so I directed that toward my friend. It was terrible judgment. I don’t think I’m his type and I don’t think he ever liked me “in that way” and with my actions I basically assured that wouldn’t happen. It’s like I held up a sign that said, “Yes I am crazy and insecure, welcome to the party!”

We don’t talk, I feel like an idiot, and I’m still vaguely insulted that he wouldn’t kiss me. And why should this bother me? He obviously thinks I’m smart and funny and worth hanging out with, or he wouldn’t be my friend. Why should it matter if he thinks I’m attractive? I just had to take it a step further.

Ladies and gentlemen: please don’t let this happen to you. Know your boundaries, not just with other people, but with yourself.

Cheers.

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