Why is it that guys and girls have such different feelings about sex? There are probably a million reasons, but I think one of the most important ones is the way we learn about sex from middle school through college. My parents taught me at the most basic level what sex is, and later how to be safe about it, but they definitely didn’t tell me what things come before having sex for the first time, what kinds of different sex there are, and when people start doing it. And I got some ideas about sex from movies and the media, but movies and TV don’t show much of anything about teen sexuality because, well, that would be child pornography. So I had to learn about how to make out, what all the different bases were, and the like from my friends.

Girls talk about pretty much everything to each other, so I had no problem talking to my girl friends about sex. We would ask each other what the other had done, how they did it, what it was like, what was weird or awkward, and if they had any tips—all the juicy details.  And I think this was a great way to learn for the most part, except that we never talked about what WE liked, it was always about how to do things “right,” and doing sexual things was kind of a way to gain cool points.

Also, my ideas about sex were based on everyone else’s ideas about it. I thought the only thing that was normal was what my friends were doing, and if they told me some information, I trusted it to be true. I’m not sure this harmed me personally in any huge way, because my parents taught me about safety as needed, but I’m sure that girls who don’t have anyone besides their friends teaching them about sex can get some serious misinformation. I know I can think of a few of my friends’ stories that just absolutely can’t be true, but hey, at least I was hearing a variety of experiences.

Guys on the other hand, especially teenage guys, are not always so big on gossiping about these juicy details with each other. Lots of guys talk about sex in vague and purely physical terms (“so, did you bang her?”), and don’t really talk about all the other important parts of sex. So they don’t really learn from each other. Instead, they usually learn from porn.

Our generation is unique because we’ve had access to tons of free porn ever since we knew how to get on the internet. Some girls take advantage of this, but most girls I knew didn’t, and I remember thinking and being told that looking at porn was a “guy thing.” Maybe that’s because most guys I know started watching porn in their very early teens, if not in their ‘tweens. So from a young age, sex to them has been big-boobed blonds wanting nothing but penetration and no foreplay, with no awkward position changing or slips, and easy orgasms. That, of course, is because that’s a very guy-centered view of sex created by an industry funded, created, and predominantly viewed by guys. But, as I’m sure any girl reading this knows, is NOT how sex works for us.

Sex is not easy and flawless, and no girl I know looks like a porn star. It is a process to get to know someone sexually and make sure that both people get everything they want. I think as guys and girls get older and more experienced, the problems with both ways of learning about sex get to be less important, because we learn better. Girls realize that sexual acts aren’t just for gaining cool points and pleasing guys, but that there are things we like. Guys learn that girls’ bodies are all different, and that there’s a lot more to sex than penetration.

And the best part of growing up is that girls learn that they can talk to guys about sex in a pretty similar way that they talk to girls about it, and that this helps everyone. Girls learn to ask for what they want, and guys learn how to provide it. And porn isn’t completely useless—it’s great for learning about options you might like and picking up some tricks. And as I’ve talked to guys more about sex, I’ve started to feel much more comfortable with the idea of looking at porn myself.

Guys’ eyewitness familiarity with sex can be awesome, as long as girls make sure they combine it with girl-style communication. As long as people give each other feedback on their feelings, both physical and emotional, great sex can happen despite the fact that everyone only learned part of the story when they were younger.

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