The best weekend in college is slowly creepin’ up on us like The Sitch at Karma. No, I am not talking about the first week in spring when all of the ripped track boys start running in slow motion in the quad. I am talking about Halloween weekend, people! The three day extravaganza of fish net tights, whistles, boys with fake utters/abs, and an all out crazy fest. I will not tell you what I’m going to be this year (that’s always a surprise), but I will tell you, my first Halloween in college I discovered I that first impressions are totally key in dating. And I am not talking about settling with the black fake eyelashes instead of the two toned purple ones…
In the beginning of my freshman year, I was bored with my dating life, and we were getting ungodly close to Valentines Day. But since I was not destined to have anyone for Valentines Day in college, I should have known I would eventually dump him for something better (like my Twitter handle).
I met (I will call him White Shoes, for reasons you will understand later) him in one of those situations where you really have no other choice. I knew I didn’t like White Shoes right away, because I did not write about him in my diary. I am kind of like Taylor Swift in that sense. I needed to feel it. I also believed the lack of “teardrops on my guitar” were because White Shoes was about as exciting as a L.L. Bean pop up ad. But I also knew I needed to stop being so shallow and accept people for who they were, beyond their white tennis shoes.
However, you should not trust six types of people in the world:
1. Girls who claim they cannot be friends with other girls.
2. People who don’t trust any other than themselves.
3. People who are always trying to make a deal.
4. Persons who go out with a married man or woman.
5. The straight man who does not have any guy friends.
6. The genius who wears tennis shoes, white enough to permanently brand my contacts into my own eyes.
White Shoes’s tennis shoes made him look like a Sketcher’s spokesperson, and it was not a good thing. They reminded me of driving with my iPhone in my passengers seat mid-July. The glare nearly blinded me and put me in the ditch. Every time I saw WhiteShoes, I wanted to rip his off and run them over with my Ford until they looked like he found them hanging on a phone line in the projects.
I dated him for a while. And come Halloween night (the third night of the 3-day saga) I dressed as a water-girl (New England football Jersey, short shorts). I was really trying hard to not be shallow about our relationship. I wanted to make it work because I knew he really liked me. White Shoes would scuff his Sketchers so hard against the wood floor, he would create little black streaks! It was so cute!
Then, Valentines Day finally rolled around and I took him to my dad’s restaurant. He was so nervous, he did not eat a thing until the ice cream, and mowed it down before I had a chance to blink twice while looking at it. I’m a total daddy’s girl, and my dad is the classiest, sweetest man you will ever meet. I was excited for White Shoes to meet him, since I knew his reaction to my dad’s confident stature would prove if I could keep dating him.
My Dad came to our table and thrust his hand towards White Shoes to shake it. I do not know if the glare was too bright on his kicks, but White Shoes balked like he had just been iced. He shook my Dad’s hand limply and croaked,“Hello.”
That was the last time I talked to White Shoes. I had given him a try, and he didn’t fit.
I learned something from this. Your first intuitions about a man should not be ignored. They are important. I realize I may have been a little judgmental looking at White Shoes and only seeing white shoes, but in the grand scheme of things, someone’s shoes say a lot about a person.
White Shoe’s message was, “I am too scared to get them a little dirty.”
And I couldn’t date someone like that.
Image found on http://weheartit.com/entry/45974824
You’d think I’d have it all figured out by this point, but sometimes I still learn lessons about life…at the club. It may sound shallow, but think about it. There’s no better social microcosm where people are in their least inhibited state. I hope these are as useful for you guys as they were for me.
*NOTE- These may only be applicable to Los Angeles, but if you live somewhere else they are worth a shot!
1. I Need To Dress Sluttier
Nice guys may finish last, but you know who always finishes first? Girls who dress slutty! This weekend, I was in my phase where I had to be out at “the club” but I didn’t feel like getting all dolled up. I decided to go for skinny jeans, a sheer black top, and a black bra. If I had gone into a house of worship (or even anywhere in Alabama) dressed like that I would’ve immediately burst into flames, but on the nightlife scene I might as well have been wearing a burka. Less than a handful (the actual number is actually embarrassing so I don’t want to put it out there) of guys talked to me. Really? I don’t get these blonde hair extensions sewn into my head for nothing. Meanwhile, it looked like Forever 21 exploded up in there. The girls in the polyester and latex mini-dresses got all of the attention. Before any of you say it, I know…it’s not like I’d want those guys who were interested in those types of girls…but I wanted their attention in the moment. Needless to say, a shopping trip might be in order. Goodbye Gucci, hello clothes that are glued together by starving children in the Philippines.
2. Hanging Out With Celebrities Sometimes Makes You Even More Anonymous
This is L.A. Partying with someone that was in a Marvel superhero movie isn’t exactly a unique experience. Sometimes, it’s fun though. Especially when everyone at your table is a notable actor and they are all seemingly unattached. Except for when NONE of them acknowledge your existence. Lets be clear. I’m not a star fucker. Not by occupation anyway. But when they all congregate in front of you and you might as well be invisible, it sucks. No thank you! I’d rather hang out with the other people (not the Forever 21 hoes mentioned above) that at least talk to me or try to get me into bed. Ignoring someone whether you’re famous or not…how rude!
3. Girls Lie
Jealy that your bestie told you that she made out withe Leo (yes, that one) post-Bar, pre-Blake? Want to gauge your eyes out because your co-worker said Jared Leto asked for her number? Don’t pack up your apartment, take a vow of silence, and move to Bhutan just yet…they are probably LYING. What likely happened is that one night Justin Timberlake accidentally spilled his drink on her when he was drunk. She tried to strike up a conversation, and he muttered something about how he wasted that alcohol under his breath. For some reason, I’ve come into contact with a lot of girls lying about their dalliances with celebrity men. What’s the point? It’s not like we won’t se a paparazzi photo of them making out with Olivia Wilde (lets not pretend she’s not fucking all of the guys she claims she just “friends” with) in a week. Who are you fooling? Lets stop the lies and focus on things that are important, like dieting. If you live somewhere else, chances are one of your girlfriends is greatly exaggerating romantic or sexual circumstances with your town’s hottie.
I hope you will find these helpful. Stay tuned for what I learn at the club this week. Have you learned any lessons from the Gods of Nightlife?
And PS I totally shop at Forever 21 but not the stuff that smells like vinyl and looks like something that Vivian Ward would have worn at the beginning of the movie.
Image found on http://weheartit.com/entry/72542661
Have you been to Smart, Pretty and Awkward? We have a definite girl crush on Molly who uses her genius to help women across the internet become smarter, prettier and less awkward. Who doesn’t need that?
She wonderfully offered us this great post she wrote about common misconceptions of the Freshman Year of College AND the Freshman Year of Life (for our amazing new graduates.) What would you add to the list?
By Molly Ford, SmartPrettyandAwkward.com
There are a lot of misconceptions regarding milestones, especially during times of change. Today, we will dive into two major areas of misconceptions surrounding freshmen year of college and freshmen year of life.
Freshmen Year of College
1. MISCONCEPTION: Your first roommate will be your roommate all four years.
REALITY: It’s awesome if you and your roommate get along great, but you need to be prepared you might just be roommates, not best friends. It’s not a failure if you only live together a year and then switch to live with someone else. There is also a chance that you dislike the situation so much, that you need to switch mid-year.
SOLUTION: If the living situation is bad or you feel unsafe, talk to your RA about switching mid-year. If the living situation is okay but not your favorite, start scouting new potential roommates around the end of first semester as you will probably have to put in your housing request forms at the beginning of second semester.
2. MISCONCEPTION: You major going into college will be the major you graduate with.
REALITY: You might change your major, or your concentration, or the entire school you attend, by senior year. And that’s a good thing! College is about trying new things, not getting locked into something you don’t like or a bubble you checked off mindlessly when you were applying.
SOLUTION: Take tons of classes that spark your interest. I went into college with one major, Entrepreneurship, and by the time I graduated, I was double-majoring in Finance and Entrepreneurship with a minor in Sociology. I got interested in Finance after dating someone who was a Finance major and being intrigued by his Economics classes, and I got interested in Sociology through a required course I had to take for an elective. You never know!
3. MISCONCEPTION: If you don’t rush a sorority freshmen year, you will never get to rush.
REALITY: Although it is not talked about much, in many schools you can rush as a sophomore or even a junior.
SOLUTION: Double-check with your school’s Greek Life policies, but, in most cases, it’s perfectly fine for non-freshmen to rush. There is no rush in rushing!
4. MISCONCEPTION: All required classes are boring.
REALITY: Your required classes, outside of your major, might be where you find your passion in something you didn’t know existed.
SOLUTION: Head into everything with an open mind. Required classes are also where kids from different majors mingle, so if you go to a big school (like I did), it’s a good way to meet people outside of your program.
5. MISCONCEPTION: Everyone will have same schedule as you.
REALITY: Compared to high school, where everyone is in classes from 7-3 and then heads to clubs and sports after school, college schedules are much more all-over-the-place. You could have classes 9-11, a long break, and then classes 4-6. And that could be just your Tuesday schedule…other days could be totally different. Your friends and your roommates might have 8ams, you might have no classes two days a week, or any other combination. Somedays you will eat lunch alone, because all your friends will be in classes, and somedays you will eat lunch with 5 other people because your schedules line up for that day.
SOLUTION: Flexibility (and the ability to memorize not only your schedule, but also your best friend’s!) is key. There will also be a temptation to fritter away your new unscheduled time, so be prepared to be more self-motivated than you were in high school.
Freshmen Year of Life
1. MISCONCEPTION: Your first job is the industry you will work in forever.
REALITY: Your first job is a stepping stone, and, for most people, is not their dream, or even their ideal, job. Take the jobs for the skills you will develop, and then tailor your resume so it plays up your skills that can ulitmately help you land a “better” job. And remember: maybe the industry you ultimately end up in, doesn’t exist yet or you didn’t know it could be a full-time job. When I started college, the field of online marketing barely existed. I couldn’t have majored in what I do, simply because it didn’t exist.
SOLUTION: Keep an open mind about what you want to do, and keep developing skills that can be used in many industries (for me, I spent my first job working on developing my sales skills so I could use them to help me land my second job, which was a much better fit for me).
2. MISCONCEPTION: Your college friends will remain your only friends.
REALITY: You are entering a new social circle, where a mix of work friends, friends of friends, college friends’ home friends, and more will all enter into your social circle. Your new friends might be your age, but some of them will likely be older than you too, and in different life stages. It was a big surprise to me when I graduated college that some of my new good friends were married!
SOLUTION: Meet new people everywhere, and try to cultivate as many of them as possible into friendships. A coffee date with someone new is the best way to strike up a ‘girl friendship.’ Some relationships will fizzle out over time (that’s natural) but others will thrive.
3. MISCONCEPTION: Everyone else is on a romantic timeline, so you need to be, too.
REALITY: Some people are on very specific, post-college romanic timelines. Example: Find the guy by X date, engaged by X date, married by X date. It is wonderful to be proactive about what you are passionate about (in this case, finding a life partner), but if that is not something on your agenda currently, or you are focusing on other things, don’t let other people’s timelines stress you out. I also don’t advocate putting yourself on a strict romantic timeline, because if the deadline comes and goes without a ring, I don’t want you to feel like a failure.
SOLUTION: Take everything everyone else says with a grain of salt. Be supportive of other’s goals, but don’t make them your own if it doesn’t work for you.
4. MISCONCEPTION: It’s okay to have a mini-meltdown in public.
REALITY: In a lot of ways, graduating college means emotional independence–some feelings are meant to be kept more private than they were in college. You will always have your trusted group of family and friends you can cry in front of, but if you have to cry at work, head to the bathroom.
SOLUTION: If you live in a city far from friends and family, you still have a support system: you just need to dial them on the phone instead of walking into their dorm room.
5. MISCONCEPTION: Your resources will stay the same.
REALITY: In college, so much is at your fingertips, especially regarding financial decisions, career services and health services. In the real world, there are still people who will help you with these things, you just need to work harder to find them. Instead of a quick directory search on your college website, it’s a few more clicks and a few more phone calls.
SOLUTION: One of the hardest things post-college is figuring out financial/insurance problems. Reach out to adults/parents and your HR department to help you navigate decisions surrounding 401Ks and finding new doctors that take your insurance. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for an experienced mentor at your new job who can help you figure out strategic career moves and advocate for you to upper management for challenging projects. People are usually very flattered when they are asked to be your mentor, so don’t shy away from asking someone you admire.
Photo found on http://jenesais-pas.tumblr.com/
We here at the College Crush LOVE to have crushes on nice guys. Great guys. The kind of guys that give us all a little faith that there are awesome guys out there on the tough days.
So we loved when Jimmy Jacob, from PersonalFacts.com, wrote this great blog on why he loved his girlfriend’s klutziness. (insert awwww here) We just needed to share and hope you love it too!
When people set out for “types,” they generally set out for specific appearances, education backgrounds and heights. However, the older you get, you realize that there are unintentional types you will unconsciously set out for and for me, that type involves klutzy women.
The first time revelation occurred to me was when I first met Sabrina years back. While we were sitting next to each other at the bar, she lifted her drink the same time I had lifted mine and ended up elbowing me in the eye, causing me to spill my Jack and Coke all over myself.
“Are you a f*cking lefty?” I asked.
She looked at me with her huge brown doe eyes (that would later prove to be my kryptonite) and sheepishly nodded her head. Although I wouldn’t know it since I was pissed off at the time, her klutziness would prove to ironically be one of her most attractive traits.
Over the span of our annoying on and off cyclical relationship, she never failed to amaze me by how utterly clumsy she is. I have watched her in a department store slide into a perfume counter after tripping over her flip-flops. I bit my lip from laughing when watching her accidentally get ash into her eye while having a post-coital smoke. I also bit my lip to avoid crying when she kneed me in the nuts after switching “positions” in the sack and still to this very day, she always manages to bang her hip bone on every corner of furniture and doorknob–no matter how much space is around her.
You would think this would be enough to run for the hills, however I’m not ashamed to admit that klutziness is a real turn on for me and I will try my best to explain my reasons why without sounding like a creep:
So far, I’m not doing a good job with not looking like a creep, but I will try to explain myself quickly before you all think I’m a creepy pedophile. By “child-like” quality, I mean klutzy women exude an innocent, youthful, playful and endearing quality about themselves. For me, I find that to be quite attractive considering it’s so difficult to find women like when you live in an overcrowded and impatient city.
One of my theories as to why klutziness exists in women is due to their creative sides. I always tease my girlfriend that she is too busy living in her head to notice the stairs on the stoop. (I have never gone through so many Band-Aids since dating her) I for one welcome this because I love creative women—even if they have a tendency to fall on their face in highly populated public places.
Statistically speaking, I never met a clumsy woman who was a huge bitch–because life isn’t that kind. How I wish to see a vain, bitchy lady fall over her high heels on the subway, but alas, it has never happened. However, I do see a lot of beautiful and kind women who have no idea how beautiful they are accidentally spill their food over themselves or trip over a crack in the sidewalk. The reason for this is because typically clumsy women are too embarrassed over their klutziness to ever think there are men out there that find their “embarrassing” traits alluring.
When a woman is clumsy as hell, then she generally has a thick skin because she most likely has been teased about her clumsiness since she was a kid. Because of that, I find out a lot of these women have a great sense of humor and can take a few jabs at their personal expenses–which is a plus for most men who are used to dating sensitive women.
Call me a freak but I just find klutzy women are sexy as hell and you know what, a lot of men do too. So ladies, start embracing your accident-prone qualities because what you may see as a flaw can be a quirk a guy can’t possibly live without.
Photo found on http://creativeoverflow.net/50-most-popular-photographs-on-deviantart/
Before I had sex, I had this preconceived notion of how it was supposed to be from the movies, and then a little later from my friends. I had this idea that sex was supposed to be very romantic, seamless, usually accompanied by awesome music, and orgasmic—every single time.
So you can imagine my surprise when I first had sex and realized that this is most assuredly NOT the case. As a result, we compiled a list of unsexy (but amusing) situations you, and your partner might find yourselves in while doing the nasty. For those of you that haven’t had sex, let this be a lesson in the less glamorous side of sex.
1. Socks- This is particularly relevant in the winter. Socks are not sexy, and neither is taking them off. Having to stop in the heat of the moment to take your socks off is annoying to say the least. Of course, this only applies to people who have sex without socks. For all you other people who have sex with your socks on, kudos I guess for not letting it get in the way of your love making. But remember, there is a reason for the expression: he/she blew my socks off
2. Body Sounds- These would include cracking joints, farting, and that awkward sound made when two sweaty bodies are coming together, among others (use your imagination). We are human, and these things are bound to happen. While some of these sounds are more embarrassing than others, they are usually uncontrollable. The best thing to do when this happens to you or your partner is to laugh about it, or ignore it (depending on the situation) and keep going.
3. Hair- The kind on your head, not your genitalia. Hair, especially for those of us with longer hair, can have a tendency of getting in the way when two people are getting hot and heavy. Hair can get in your mouth, in your face, and your partner can roll on top of it and constrict your movements, etc. It’s a nuisance, really. Plus, no one likes to hear “Ouch ouch! Get off my hair!” Luscious locks are good for getting people into bed with you, but not so great once you’re there. The solution: pull your hair back. Yes, it’s that easy.
4. Slipping out- I would have to say that personally, this was the biggest surprise of them all. I was totally expecting sex to be continuous and without interruption. Well it’s not. Not only do sexual partner switch positions, they also slip out of you. It can be really annoying and inconvenient. In these situations all you have to do, is fix the problem and keep going where you left off.
5. Performance issues- Sometimes sex does not end up how you expect. Guys and girls aren’t able to perform the way they would like: they get tired, they get a cramp, etc. These circumstances can be embarrassing for your partner, and/or yourself. The best thing to do is apologize and promise to make it up in the morning, or if you’re on the other end, be understanding and accept the fact that it’s just not going to happen for you that night. Of course, when you are ready, “accessories” in the bedroom can help out with some of those issues and even add a lot of awesome. (btw,we really like Adam and Eve.)
6. Bodily Fluids- Sex can get sweaty, especially if it’s a particularly steamy session. Your partner’s sweat might get on you and vice versa, both of you get flushed, you have hair matted on your face and their body may be all wet. The best thing to do when this happens is to take it to the shower where being wet all over is actually hot and kill two birds with stone. If this isn’t a possibility either take a breather and wipe off, or ignore it and appreciate how into it both of you obviously are. This section also includes those times when Aunt Flo makes an unexpected visit. For women this can be an incredibly embarrassing experience, especially if you’re not in your own bed. But if it ever happens to you, remember, it comes with the territory, literally. Not to mention, it’s natural and normal. If a guy or girl wants access to that part of your body, it’s simply a risk they should be willing to take. Period.
Those are some of the unexpected and situations you may find yourself in while having sex. . .If your partner is rude about it, it’s safe to say that you should reevaluate why you are spending time with them. Yeah, these circumstances can be awkward, but if you are having sex you should also be mature enough to know that this stuff is common and bound to happen.
So, if these examples sound familiar to you, rest assured you are not alone, and for those of you who have not had to deal with them, you have been warned!
I’m sorry, did you mean college or your small agrarian community?
College is the easiest place to meet guys maybe EVER. It’s only downhill from there. (I’m not saying to focus more on your attaining MRS degree than your BA/BS. No no. Your education frees you from actually needing a man, so please concentrate) But take advantage of the added perks while you can! In college, you essentially live in a town where everyone is around your age and your SAT score. BO-NUS! Not even match.com can provide that kind of service.
After college, you’re stuck meeting people at your workplace, the bar scene or the produce aisle. Case in point:
You 4 years from now: “Oh wow, you like romaine lettuce too! No way! Did you know it has the highest nutritional content of all…. Okay well…um, nice talking to you!”
It’s great to seize the opportunity to talk to someone, no matter how lame the conversation starter (cue the Snapple Real Facts). But college is a place where you don’t have to find common ground over what’s in your grocery cart. You have common ground with everyone (for example: pending diploma, weird roommates, extra-long twin sized jersey sheets, etc.), you just need to put yourself in the right places.
Here’s a valuable piece of information from, yes, a REAL guy:
“Girls complain about not meeting guys, but I really think they discount the power of location.”
He makes a good point. I had friends that loved going to clubs, but complained that they only met huge tools. Do we really need to connect the dots?!
So there are the traditional collegiate locations to meet boys – class, dorm activities, study groups, social clubs, on-campus jobs, games and parties. Get out there and take advantage! But you can also get creative. Assess your situation and devise a game plan. Ask yourself what kind of boys you like and how you might be able to meet them. For instance, if you like tools, then hit up the clubs or a local tanning salon. If you’re into the pre-med type, then you might want to hang out on that side of campus or learn about the chemical properties of formaldehyde. If you’re into outdoorsy men go to games, outdoor activities or lumberjack competitions. If you like skinny-jean-wearing, emo, hipster guys go to an indie concert, hit up a thrift store… or just meander around Berkeley, CA. (Tip: You’re not going to find a hipster in guyliner playing rugby with the frat boys.)
I know this all sounds creepy and calculated, and admittedly, that’s because it is. But it’s also smart. Just like you, College Girl! Let’s practice with a fill-in- the- blank.
If I only hang out on the all-girls floor I will only meet ____________.
If I only hangout in my dorm room I will only meet _______________.
If I never leave my floor, I will NEVER meet ___________
If you’re looking for new boys in general, you’re going to have to leave your bunk bed and find new places to hang out. You’re going to have to drop what I’ve deemed the Rapunzel Syndrome. You know the “I’m in my tower (dorm room), so come rescue me from my solitude (studying for my Bio midterm).”
Even studying in a new library or a different study hall will open you up to new people. And it goes without saying that you need to be friendly – to your neighbors, classmates, elevator mates, the list goes on. There’s nothing wrong with striking up a conversation with someone. Make friends and get to know your fellow collegians. It’s much easier than you think. When you make friends, you can soon make friends with their friends. And they might just have eligible boy in tow… SCORE!
You can start by asking someone about their classes, their major, or – brace yourself for this one – you can just introduce yourself. Remember how friendly everyone was on the first day? Well who says that has to stop? If they look at you weird, they’re weird! (Or you have something on your face.)
Basically, fortune favors the bold. So unless you are pining after Mr. Noodle, your dream boy is not going to come knocking on your door. I say, carpe diem… Or just take a Latin class and hope there are cute boys in it.
Photo found on: http://afreakbitchinyourtown.tumblr.com/page/10
OK, so in fairness, I don’t know if I’m the only one out there that has actually ever done this.. but I’m gonna go ahead and take the liberty of assuming not. And I mean that in the “I’m assuming not because I should probably reevaluate my life if I am.”
But in all seriousness people, how much better does life get than Noah + Ally + 1.5 L of Pinot Grigio (editors note: I realize a 1.5 L bottle to the head might make me an alchy, but eh, what can ya do). And the tears, can’t forget the tears. Honestly, how amazing does it feel sometimes just to let the flood gates open? Seriously, all I need is the opening “I’m a simple man” line and the waterworks start. And by waterworks, I mean letting out that surprisingly satisfying Ugly Cry (Dane Cook, anyone?) while sobbing “Where’s MYYY Noah?!!?”
POOF! I feel so much better.
I say let’s give it up for the girl who enjoys a good cry every now and then. Ain’t no shame in it, ladies.
Photo Credit: http://sweeterimagesdulce.blogspot.com
2013 has been amazing so far, but as you might have noticed we were missing one little thing: a giveaway!
Thanks to our friends at Simon & Philippa Gregory we have a sweet prize to give away!
The giveaway is in honor of the release of Changeling, the first book in Philippa Gregory’s new series.
So here’s what you have to do to win:
1. ‘LIKE’ the College Crush Facebook Page.
2. COMMENT BELOW WITH YOUR NAME AND EMAIL. If you don’t leave your email, you will not be entered in the giveaway.
Here’s what you can win:
One winner will receive:
Here’s some more info about the book:
Dark myths, medieval secrets, intrigue, and romance populate the pages of this first in a four-book teen series from the #1 bestselling author of The Other Boleyn Girl.
The year is 1453 and all signs point to it being the end of the world. Accused of heresy and expelled from his monastery, handsome seventeen-year-old Luca Vero is recruited by a mysterious stranger to record the end of times across Europe. Commanded by sealed orders, Luca is sent to map the fears of Christendom and travel to the very frontier of good and evil.
Seventeen-year-old Isolde, a Lady Abbess, is trapped in a nunnery to prevent her from claiming her rich inheritance. As the nuns in her care are driven mad by strange visions, walking in their sleep, and showing bleeding wounds, Luca is sent to investigate and driven to accuse her.
Forced to face the greatest fears of the dark ages—witchcraft, werewolves, madness—Luca and Isolde embark on a search for truth, their own destinies, and even love as they take the unknown ways to the real historical figure who defends the boundaries of Christendom and holds the secrets of the Order of Darkness.
About the author
Philippa Gregory is the author of several internationally bestselling novels, including The Other Boleyn Girl and The White Queen, and is a recognized authority on women’s history. She lives in the north of England with her family and welcomes visitors to her website, PhilippaGregory.com. Order of Darkness: Changeling is her first novel written for teens.
I am a firm believer that hook ups can and should be healthy and fun, not desperate and damaging. I’m proud to have hooked up a good bit, and to have dated a few guys longer-term. But I have to admit, I had one hook-up that was a MAJOR misstep and a textbook example of desperate girl settling for less than she knows she wants in hopes that she can win a guy over. Haven’t we all had that one mistake?
This guy had been a friend of mine for a while, but we weren’t really all THAT close until we decided we hadn’t talked enough recently and needed to catch up. We started getting lunch and dinner together a lot more frequently, and since we were both involved in other hook up endeavors, we got to know each other without the pretense of it turning into something. But then both of our other endeavors died down, and all of a sudden we were both really aware of how much closer we’d gotten. We started hanging out after dinner had ended, talking at all hours of the night, and spending tons of time together. And then we hooked up.
It was amazing for a while. We knew each other really well, and really enjoyed each others company. But all along, I kinda had the idea in the back of my head that this was all leading somewhere, somewhere in boyfriend-girlfriend land. He must have sensed this, because he decided to tell me that he was NOT looking for a relationship, and that he just wanted to keep hooking up for however long we happened to want to hook up. I did admit that I was disappointed, but I told him and myself that I would put those boyfriend desires at bay and just enjoy the moment.
And I really did think that I could make myself forget that I wanted more, but somehow, in my mind, the situation turned into an agonizing test of my seduction and persuasion abilities. Maybe if we spend more time together, maybe if I show him that I’m not like his ex, maybe if I just give him time to reconsider, he’ll change his mind about what he wants… Sound familiar to you? Yeah, I thought so. I’m sure you can guess how this story ends, but I’ll tell you anyway. He didn’t change his mind, and he wouldn’t have, no matter how cool or fun or different from his ex I was. And I got hurt. Badly.
We’ve all heard a million times that if he doesn’t want what you want, he’s not worth it. He doesn’t deserve you. It will never work. And even when this situation happens to the very best of us, we almost always ignore the tried and true advice. Well, let me make sure you hear it one more time. He’s NOT worth it. Someone WILL want the same things you want. You CAN’T change his mind.
Just like if the situation were reversed and a guy wanted more out of a hook up than you did, he couldn’t change your mind. And (sorry to be blunt, ladies) just like you wouldn’t be worth all the pain and frustration for him. Ok?
So just don’t settle for someone who doesn’t want what you want. I know I never will again.
(Unless I’m missing something?)
Are you kidding? We all love a good love story, but let’s get our facts straight.
Romeo and Juliet couldn’t stay together because their families hated each other and kept them apart. Not because Romeo was a huge douche and always made Juliet cry.
It’s the same obstacle in the Notebook. Noah and Ali couldn’t stay together not because Noah had no manners and ditched Ali at The Valentine’s Day Dance. It was because Ali’s mom was a huge snob and hid all Noah’s love letters.
In Twilight, Bella and Edward can’t stay together because he will eat her or turn her into a vampire, or something. Not because he is an insecure tool that always brags about himself and never walks Bella to her car.
Are you noticing a pattern here?
I think people confuse their bad relationships with great romances because there is one thing their relationships have in common with iconic love stories- drama.
But having drama in your relationship does not catapult you to The Notebook status. Most classic romances are based on the fact that they would do anything to be together, but there is a huge obstacle keeping them apart (again see: their families have hated each other since 26 B.C., or one person in the relationship is a vampire).
In real life bad relationships, the drama stems from one or more parties being rude, selfish or douche-baggish, not immortal. The couples that insult and mistreat each other/ break up/get back together/repeat are the opposite of Romeo and Juliet.
Nonromeo and Nonjuliet can’t get along in normal circumstances, where there aren’t huge obstacles. They aren’t jumping through hoops to be together, building each other houses, or writing each other letters for years.
They are fighting in Applebees over who should pay for the chicken tenders!
Now I’m not saying you can’t break up and get back together. Or that you can never fight. No person and no relationship is perfect.
But please, for the love of Romeo, Juliet, Noah and Ali, don’t romanticize your unhealthy relationship and think you are the next Edward and Bella. Unless your families are pulling you apart, or your boyfriend’s a vampire. Then we can talk.
Sidenote: I always wonder what these movies would look like without those obstacles. They would probably be insanely boring. If Romeo and Juliet’s families got along swimmingly, they probably would have gotten married at 16, had two kids, got divorced by 20 and fought over custody for the rest of their lives.
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