I am not perfect. Yeah, I know, none of us is. But I couldn’t even make my deadline for this article this week. And I realized that maybe 98% of the mistakes I make are based on insecurity. We all do dumb things. Why do you do them? Is it because you really weren’t thinking, or because you were insecure and acted out in a possibly inappropriate way? Have you ever tried to kiss someone who did NOT want to be kissed? Yikes! Then you think, “Why did I do that?” Most likely, it’s got nothing to do with the other person. It’s all you. And it’s okay. I’ve been watching a lot of Dr. Phil lately. I give you permission to roll your eyes out of your head. But once in a while he’ll say something that sticks with me like a magnet to a refrigerator. “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge,” he says. So. Freaking. True. So I’m going to acknowledge that I’m not perfect and I screw up. Most of these screw-ups aren’t even big deals, but I magnify them and I punch myself (mentally!) and I want to change what I did. But that’s not the kind of change I need, and it’s not the kind of change you need. Don’t try to change your past, you can’t; try to change your future. What I’m saying is don’t freak out over a guy, don’t freak out over a bad grade, just tell yourself that you’re not perfect and move on. And really mean it. It will be great. Photo found on http://dollhousesweets.tumblr.com/post/7503970827
If you want to do the metaphorical cannon ball into the water, go to an all girls school from 8th to 12th grade, have little to no contact with boys, then go to a co-ed college and go to your first college party.
Hi, my name is Awkwardly Terrified, how are you?
I remember what I wore: a flesh colored, stretchy turtleneck, jade and gold earrings, my hair was pulled back (which I NEVER do) and I probably paired it with a black miniskirt. Very Stacey of The Babysitters’ Club. I went because my friend and I wanted to go to our first “normal party,” unlike the ones we had in high school where we practically had to ship boys in from another continent. (I even remember what I wore to my first middle school party: a pink halter top, hair pulled back – WHY did I do this for parties? Did I think it made me look more grown-up?- strappy wedges…and black pleather pants. Oh yes. Very Spice Girls.
My first college party was almost the same. But this time, there was alcohol and my friend got really sick and I felt uncomfortable with a boy flirting with me, and the boy I thought was cute only talked to me a little bit. Recently I met up with him again, told him I had a huge crush on him in college; he asked for my number, we texted vague plans, then he blew me off. I will never understand boys. Or I will, but not fully.
And I remember having a hard time walking around the party in heels and a miniskirt because some of it was outside… You had to go out through a fire escape and walk down the ladder – apparently this is a cool thing to do – and I hated it. The smell of pot was heavy in the air, everyone was drinking and I had never felt so out of place.
I’ve gotten a little better at parties, but I’m still awkward. I still feel like I’m not one of the cool kids. I feel like I’m trying to be ladylike as I climb out a window in a miniskirt and heels. (This is the norm, I promise.) No one knows really how to act at a party unless you’re Kate Middleton, because let’s be real, she’s perfect.
But we’re allowed to go to college parties and feel awkward. Just remind yourself that it’s supposed to be fun. And if it’s not? Leave. There’s always cheese fries.
Photo found on: http://cocainetrade.tumblr.com/post/173650167/sad-and-true
Let’s call him Tom, because he kind of looked like Mr. Cruise before Mr. Cruise went Mr. Crazy. I know I say it in every article I write, but I came from an all girls school, and my last crush was in 8th grade and let’s say it ended terribly. Tom had a rakish smile, a stupid yet genuinely funny sense of humor, and a had an uncanny ability to make me swoon. Yes, swoon. Swoon like a loon.
We flirted at first. We met when he wandered into my friends dorm room where I was hanging out, came up to me, and said, “I love your hair, it’s bright blonde.” Then he commented on how small my hands were… and left. Gotta love college. We started flirting in class. I remember one time, while watching “Citizen Kane” (upon which I heard one student say to another, “Oh man I’m gonna get so many more “Simpsons” references after this”) he rested his arm against mine on my desk, and I thought I would pass out.
But as time went on, something happened, and he stopped liking me and started liking someone else. It hurt, even though we had never so much as kissed. I had become the mayor of his “friend zone.” Isn’t it great how resourceful TV is for references? Anyway he liked a girl who dressed up as a Playboy Bunny for Halloween, and that just wasn’t me. She was a really sweet girl though; I couldn’t dislike her.
I wondered how on Earth I managed to become his friend and not his girlfriend or even his fling. I assumed it was because I wasn’t pretty enough. Then I got it together and realized he had more experience than I did and he probably didn’t want to deal with my insecure newbie self. I let it go.
Years later he moved to L.A. and sought me out. We hung out and wound up making out, and honestly, it wasn’t as awesome as I thought it would be. It wasn’t bad, it was pretty great, but at that point the interest was like an abandoned gas station: nothing there.
Keep in mind that your first college crush is not the be-all, end-all. There will be others. You may wind up with them, you may not. Just have fun having a crush, don’t agonize over it, and think about what would happen if you actually got together: the hype is hard to live up to.
Photo found on: http://ranaves.tumblr.com/
Much like the DaVinci code (’00s references everyone!!) college comes with its own hidden meanings that you have to find and unlock in order to carry on an exciting, adventurous life…. or something like that. Call them college clichés, but if you’re new on campus it might help you out to read between the lines. (Weird Tom Hanks DaVinci code hair is totally not necessary.)
1. “Let’s hang out and watch a movie” means “Let’s make out in my dorm.” We all know this one.
2. Professors who hear that there was a “family emergency” likely realize that you were actually just hungover.
3. The perfect token of affection is a mix CD (a step above a mix playlist and a step below a real mix tape; if someone makes you an actual mix tape, they love you.) There’s something so quintessentially college about the gift of a mix CD. It’s free, it’s creative, it’s the perfect way to say you’re a music snob without actually having to say, “I am a music snob.” Instead you say, “This is me! This is who I am!” Making and giving a mix to that special someone is a total newbie thing to do but that doesn’t mean it isn’t awesome. Let’s be real, by selecting songs we love that smoothly transition from one to the other, we feel like we’ve accomplished something.
4. “There’s gonna be this cool party at Darryl’s place” means “I LIKE YOU PLEASE COME.”
Now of course these codes extend beyond college, and maybe one day while working your job at Crate & Barrel, you’ll find yourself telling your boss that you have a family emergency one Monday morning. But college is the place where they are born and roam free. So have fun and make those elitist CD mixes, and don’t lose count of how many times you’ve said your grandma died.
Photo found on http://decembernights.tumblr.com/
Someone, I think it was a gentleman named Robin, wanted to know if I could write about spotting those elusive red flags that eventually destroy a relationship.
Some of these are obvious to everyone but you. Like maybe your new boyfriends eats live lizards and calls everyone “Mommy.” That’s a red flag. Sometimes you notice this behavior but you justify it. “Lizards have LOTS of protein you guys.” Suuuure.
Let’s talk about the subtle ones.
Is your new partner forthcoming with you? When you ask them about their job history or their family, do they suddenly get quiet and stare off into the distance and say, “Sometimes the lone star is the one that shines brightest.”? Or maybe they’ll say something like, “Yeah I did stuff and my family exists.” Both of those answers suck. You don’t need their work resume or their family tree, but something like, “I used to work in fashion and have a brother named Jeff and my parents are dead” is just fine.
Do they freak out if you ask to use their computer or phone? Some people don’t like other people to touch their things, fine. But do they try to hide these objects from you? When you’re out in public and their phone rings, do they give it a worried look and then when you ask them, “What’s wrong?” they say, “Oh nothing, it’s just my parents” and you’re like, “Your parents are dead” and they’re like, “Yeah, iPhones suck, right?” What is it that they don’t want you to see? If it’s their laptop it’s probably porn, and that’s okay. Just because someone looks at porn doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or don’t want to be with you. It’s nothing to freak out about, unless it gets to the point where it interferes with your daily routine lives.
They mention their ex constantly. If you ask them about their last relationship, you’re going to want to hear something like, “My last relationship was a year ago. Great guy, no bitterness, it just didn’t work out because of long distance/wanting different things/they got really ugly” or whatever. What you don’t want to hear is this story when you didn’t even ask. What you don’t want to hear is, “Hey, what do you want on your pizza?” and the response is, “My ex Rachel loved pepperoni so no pepperoni because Rachel would eat it all the time and I don’t like Rachel, I mean pepperoni.” If they mention their ex more than, say, 3 times in your first week of dating, they’re probably not ready to date.
They ask to borrow money/things and never pay them/give them back. People forget, that happens. But if you gently remind them and they say you’ll get it in __ amount of days and you don’t and they never bring it up again, that is not cool. Money ruins relationships of all kinds. Maybe you guys do a thing where one of you pays for drinks and then the next time the other one does, or whatever kind of casual thing, and that’s okay. That’s very different from, “Hey babe can I borrow three hundred dollars?” and then they disappear for a month and never bring it up again. That’s spooky. Often this starts out innocently enough with, “Can you buy this gum for me, is that cool?” but it can end with, “Baby I sold your Lexus, is that cool?” It is not cool, Charles. Not cool.
They only call you late at night to “hang out.” They don’t call you to hang out during the day, or invite you to public places, or to meet their friends. Unless they are a vampire, one of those “True Blood” vampires not the “Twilight” vampires, then this basically means that they want you for sex and nothing else. Nothing is going to come from this. I’m sure you heard stories about how, “My friend Chelsea’s friend Sarah started seeing this guy Zach and his brother Franco started seeing her and it was strictly a friends with benefits thing but now they’re married and living in Milan!” No. No. Sit down. Stop giving us hope that this will ever happen. This might happen if you start out as friends. Because at least there is something to build on. But the chances of this turning into something real, of this person actually caring about you when you’re not in their apartment at 3 Am, is about 3%.
I’m sure there are plenty more. What are your red flags?
Originally posted here on Apocalypstick.com.
Image found on http://weheartit.com/entry/81138774
No one is entitled to anything in relationships. This applies to casual dating, too.
So you slept with him on the first date. That’s fine! Thankfully this isn’t the 1960s where you’d be Mad Menn-ed out of town for such a thing.
Here’s the problem, and it’s not with you: men think that just because you slept with them on the first date, they are entitled to sex every time. On one hand it makes sense: hey, we did this right away, it was fun, we both liked it, game on! On the other hand, who the hell are you to assume that because we sleep with you once, we will want to sleep with you every time? Sometimes, we just don’t feel like it, and it has nothing to do with you. I hate when guys get all mopey and prickly because you put a halt to the sex train for one night. Grow the eff up!
Isn’t part of dating getting to know someone? Sometimes you can do this through sex and sometimes you can do it through hanging out.
Now if this is a friends-with-benefits thing, that’s a whole other app.
But why must we be packed into a box that’s labeled “Sleep with me once, and it’s a done deal for the rest of our dates”? Again, this isn’t the 1960s, and this thinking seems old fashioned.
What do you think?
Image found on http://weheartit.com/entry/77602400
I’m going to make a conscious effort, right here and now, to stop giving myself an ulcer. I am not past Almie or future Almie; I am present Almie. I can’t just sit back and let Future Almie take care of everything and I can’t blame Past Almie for everything. If I keep it up at this rate I’m going to wind up like F. Scott Fitzgerald but, you know, without the talent or the career. I’ll just be a poor drunk who dies of a massive heart attack. Or I’ll wind up like Zelda and I’ll go mad and die in a hospital fire. I’m not sure which death is worse. At least F. Scott was probably wearing a nice sweater vest.
Every time I want to skip past this part of my life or let my wind wander to another time I am going to take a deep breath, simply to remind myself that I am here now and alive now. One day, God-willing, I will be old and I will wish that I were in my place right now, typing this, worried about my future career and lack of love. Then I will really want to kick Past Almie’s ass. But then I won’t have learned my lesson at all. Even talking about it now clearly proves that I haven’t learned how to be in the moment. I am never going to be Mick Jagger. I am never going to be Charlize Theron or January Jones. I am never going to be Marion Davies. I am never going to be Oprah. I am never going to be Ellen Paige. I am never going to be Jeff Golblum. I am never going to be Serge Gainsbourg or even Charlotte Gainsbourg. But I will get to be me. I will get to be Almie. I will get to be Apocalypstick. So I’m going to honor that and I’m going to let that mean something.
I believe that “Let It Bleed” is by far the best Stones album. I can’t stop listening to “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” How many times in my life have I heard this song? In how many movies, TV shows, and Coke commercials? How many times have I wondered, what the hell does this song actually mean? When has Mick Jagger not ever gotten what he wanted? Did he want the private jet but could only get first-class commercial? And am I a hopeless teenager at heart for wanting to apply this song to my own life?
No matter. If I can’t get what I want, I’ll find a way to get what I need. Not what I’ll settle for, mind you. There’s a difference between getting what you need and getting what you can get. I’ll get what I need. Seriously, this song and the Mary Tyler Moore theme song may have changed my life. How will I make it on my own? This world is awfully big…but it’s time I started LIVING! I’M GONNA MAKE IT AFTER ALL! MEOWING CAT! I’LL GET WHAT I NEED! CHOIR OF CHILDREN FADING OUT! I’m going to be genuinely happy for people, and anyone who isn’t happy for me doesn’t deserve to be in my life!
I’m going to start enjoying this weird and awkward time in my life the way mothers love their weird and awkward preteen children.
Originally posted here at Apocalypstick.
Photo found on http://bibzornot.tumblr.com/post/5480278759/you-cant-always-get-what-you-want
A lot of girls and women say to me (or lament, really), “I’m still 18 and I haven’t been kissed,” or, “I’m 23 and I still haven’t had sex.” Can I just tell you something?
I have a bad habit of stressing out over things that don’t matter. I don’t think that it’s “my” bad habit; I think that it’s everyone’s collective bad habit, because we are humans, made of heart and brains and bits of flesh and soft bits and magic and feathers and I kind of tuned out during every science class I’ve ever taken but I think there’s also a lot of water in our bodies too.
It is easy to forget that these are the best moments in our lives. I don’t care how old you are or where you live or where you’re coming from as you read this; this moment, right now, this is part of the time of your life. It may not seem like it. But think about it this way: everything becomes nostalgic. And you will one day yearn for this moment. You will!
It’s easy to get discouraged. BUT it can be just as easy to turn it around. Yes, there’s always going to be somebody out there who is better than you at something, who has a better career, is more attractive, and so on and so forth BUT. But! There are so many people out there who pale in comparison to you! Who wish they could be you or have a fraction of what you have. Make ENVY work for YOU.
OK no but seriously. So many times I’ll be somewhere and I’ll feel anxious or bored or impatient and I’ll take out my iPhone and start pressing buttons in hopes of distracting myself. STOP THAT. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE. IT’S OKAY TO BE ALONE SOMEWHERE. IT’S OKAY TO WAIT. JUST CALM DOWN. SMILE. MAYBE TALK TO SOMEONE. NOT IF THEY’RE CREEPY. JUST BE A PRESENT HUMAN BEING.
The more you worry about something, the less you’re caring about something real. Don’t give things attention that don’t need attention. If someone is annoying you, do you sit down and say, “Hey, let’s really get into this, please tell me more?” No! You excuse yourself and remove yourself from the situation. Think of your worry as an annoying person. Don’t give annoying people your time.
Do you put yourself out there? It can be a scary thing no matter what, but in college when you’re meeting new people and trying to fit in it can be extremely terrifying. But it’s worth the risk. I am generally a shy person, which surprises people for some reason, so I understand about the millions of other excuses you may have for not talking to the cute person at the party. If it goes poorly, then that kind of sucks but at least you know you tried. And if it doesn’t go poorly? Results! So here are some tips for bringing you out of the cave:
– Have a mutual friend introduce you. Even if your friend doesn’t know the hottie in question very well (there’s some “Clueless” speak) it’s still a nice way to meet someone and takes some edge off.
– If you don’t have a mutual friend, say hi and ask if you do. Kind of like that old, “You look familiar” line but keep it fresh with something like, “Do you know Tyler?” Everyone knows someone named Tyler!
– Don’t worry about running out of conversation topics because as soon as you worry about that, you will. It’s like I’ve said before: if someone instructs you, “Do not think about elephants right now” you are going to think about elephants right now. Don’t jump to the end before the beginning.
– Be lighthearted. You know what helps, weirdly enough? Joking about things you hate. People seem to have more in common when they talk about mutual hatred of something rather than mutual like.
“Are you sad to be missing the premiere of ‘True Blood’ tonight?”
“No, I hate that show.”
“OMG me too!”
But don’t try to hate things just for the sake of hoping to hate the same thing. Might be weird if you said, “Hi, do you know Tyler, I do, and I hate Mary Poppins, almonds, and hot days.”
– Think to yourself, “If this doesn’t work out, I can always blog about it.”
– And finally, if it feels like it’s dwindling or if you’re getting nervous, don’t force it. Smile, say you have to meet up with your friends, and you’ll talk later. If they’re interested, they’ll find you. If they’re not, they’re ridiculous.
Photo found on http://chloemarie14.tumblr.com/