Allow me to be a pompous jerk for a second and quote myself from something I wrote in my blog in ’09:
This morning, while jogging, I had a revelation.
I haven’t been on a date in years.
Instead I’ve been…ugh…’hooking up.’ First of all, I hate that effing phrase. I used to say, ‘hook up’ instead of meet up. For example: “Hey Stacey let’s hook up later at the Valley party.” OK first of all I don’t know anyone named Stacey and I don’t go to parties in the Valley. Which isn’t to say that I wouldn’t; I just never know of anyone who has Valley parties.
That’s one reason. Now I can’t say, “Oh yeah, I hooked up with my brother after the show.” People would really misinterpret that.
Another reason…it just grosses me out. It makes me sound like I’m an outlet or a plug. I am not. I am a human being. I think it’s more adult to say, “we slept together/were intimate/fooled around” whatever. If you’re having sex, you’re an adult, and you should see it as such. Sex can be fun and breezy but there’s a certain level of adulthood you should reach before you engage. Also, ‘hook up’ leaves a lot to the imagination. If your friend is asking you if you ‘hooked up’ and you had oral sex, why not just say, “We had oral sex.” What’s so weird about that? And if it’s not your friend who’s asking you, that is inappropriate and I personally wouldn’t answer.
That’s the other thing about ‘hooking up.’ Because it’s such a vague term, people you aren’t very close with feel like they can ask you if you hooked up with Darren. Or whatever.
Where did this come from? Who started this? I want to hook them up with a punch in the face.
Photo found on: http://ordinarygirlsp.tumblr.com/
So you met someone. You like each other. Really, really like each other. You did it! CONFETTI! You hit it off right away. You undersrtand each other. You love spending time together. You’re perfectly content being with one another.
But. Then this nagging thought sneaks into your brain, like an underage kid at a club.
Is there too much too soon? Is there a rule that you shouldn’t spend more than a few consecutive days together? And how soon is it to declare boyfriend/girlfriend status?
Here are some things I think you need to ask yourself:
– Does it feel right? If it feels right, it can’t be wrong.
– Are you concerned because you feel like there needs to be a certain amount of time before you’re sure of your feelings? If so, why do you feel this way? Is it pressure from your friends?
– Are you afraid of how strong your feelings are?
People are divided into two camps on this: you can’t possibly feel this way this soon vs. of course you can, some things just happen, why question it? Who are we to judge anyone’s relationships, really? There is not one type of relationship that everyone can agree on as “normal.” There is no normal for anyone. We do things how we do things and some of it is similar to what our friends do and some of it isn’t. I think that’s okay.
Again, if it feels right, it is.
Be careful not to doubt this too much. If you doubt it and project your fears, they’re going to take over your confidence, and your partner will pick up on that and start to doubt it too.
I think people have it in their heads that relationships have to be hard and challenging. There are definitely those moments in any relationship, but that should not be the foundation of any relationship, because what fun is that? You want joy! You deserve to be happy!
What do you think? Do you put a timer on your relationship?
Photo found on http://the-moonsight.tumblr.com/
In case you have just got back to school and are feeling a little disoriented, sometimes all you need is a good playlist to get you back in action! No problem….we are just that awesome. The amazing Apocalypstick has created this great study mix, but the interns have been working hard on creating some other mixes you would like on 8tracks.com. Check them out and tell us what you think.
If you’re like me, you can’t work without background music. Nothing intrusive, just something to keep you going. Here’s my mix to keep you focused and calm. Now do your work and block Facebook.
1. Sleep The Clock Around – Belle and Sebastian
2. Honey In The Sun – Camera Obscura
3. Learning To Fly – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
4. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
5. Fade Into You – Mazzy Star
6. Black Hole - She & Him
7. The Ritornello – The Ideal Husband
8. Life In San Francisco – Girls
9. Ex-Fan Des Sixties – Jane Birkin
10. Fast As You Can – Fiona Apple
11. Pins On Your Purse - Tut Tut
12. Hello No – Sondre Lerche and Regina Spektor
13. You’ll Lose A Good Thing – Barbara Lynn
14. Everyone – Van Morrison
and to pump you up…
15. September – Earth Wind & Fire
16. My Delirium – Ladyhawke
photo found on http://peaceloveviv.tumblr.com/
College is great but sometimes when you’re in it, all you think is, “Well this sucks. I’m an adult but I’m not allowed to drink or put nails in my dorm room wall. No one wants to date, they just ‘hook-up.’ I still have to worry about homework.” Trust me, it’s what all boring adults say, that you look back and wish you were back in college and it’s so weirdly true, but you know how you can’t see the forest from the trees or whatever? FOREST FIRE. BURN IT DOWN, GET IT TOGETHER.
In college I would often wallow in self-pity. All I wanted was a boyfriend. And then when I finally got a boyfriend, all I wanted was to not have a boyfriend. College is a time where you figure out what you want. Again, something all boring adults say, and again something that’s totally true. If you’re in college and you’re not stopping right now to read this — RIGHT NOW, GO AHEAD, I’LL WAIT — if you’re not stopping right now to think, “I need to appreciate these ten seconds of my life because I will never relive these exact ten seconds again” — then you need to go home.
Go ahead, take your ten seconds right now….
We all want to fall in love. We all want to feel love. We all want our crush to smile back at us. But then there’s the whole, you know, LIFE thing. We all want to get good jobs and succeed and make our parents proud, and sometimes it seems like the yellow brick road is broken and ugly and we just want to give up and say, “My God this sucks!” right? Just trust me on this: you have the power to make every ten seconds at a time suck less. Just take it in small doses.
Don’t let the suck win. Whether it comes to college, relationships or life, trust me, it isn’t worth it. This is something I learned from my first college breakdown, but that’s a post for another time. For now, just count to ten, text your crush if you’re not drunk or tense, and go to bed. It’s okay for it to suck sometimes, but it’s sucking to let it all the time.
Photo found on http://xolivingdeadgiirl.tumblr.com/
Who didn’t want to be on those bleachers blasting out, “SUMMER LOVIN’ HAD ME A BLA-AAAAST” (“Summer lovin’ happened so fa-aaast”)? Here’s your guide to finding a summer fling. Be safe, have fun, and sing about it in leather jackets with your friends.
Your friend invites you to a barbeque? Say yes. Going away party? Say yes. Improv? Say yes. See the pattern here? By saying yes to an event you’re saying yes to meeting new people. You never know when you’re going to find your fling. Cliché? Yes. True? Yes. SAY YES. Of course, if some creeper invites you out trust your instincts and say no. You don’t owe anybody anything, except yourself.
Go To New York.
My God, I meet so many flings in New York City. It’s like a supermarket of single sexy people. (How Carrie Bradshaw was that statement? Forgive me.) If you live in New York, visit Los Angeles.
Get A Summer Job.
But somewhere sexy, like Amoeba Record Store or the trendy Starbucks. You’ll earn money and feel independent, and that’s first and foremost. But again, you never know who you’ll meet. Customer, co-worker (yes, you can date your co-worker if you keep it cool, but that’s a whole different column, girl). Camp counselor is also a good option, at least this is what the movies tell me…. I wouldn’t know because I don’t like sleep overs. When I was a little kid I would call my parents and beg them to pick me up. Once again, that is a whole other column.
Look At That Friend In A Different Light.
Be careful with this one. I’m not saying you should take advantage of your friend, but you know how Darryl (or Melissa or whoever!) always had a crush on you but you always thought of him as just a friend? Go on a non-date, date. Go to dinner, bowling, drinks, and see them a person and not just a buddy. You never know. Sometimes what you want is in front of you the whole time. Another true cliché.
Go See A Band.
Popular, small, signed, unsigned – there’s always a lead guitarist or drummer or lead singer or heck, even bass player, who doesn’t have a partner. What could be more exciting than a summer fling with a musician? Well, a lot of things, flings aren’t everything, but still it’s pretty fun.
If none of these work out, remember, there’s always next summer, and you’re still fabulous!
Photo found on: http://avadakedavraurmother.tumblr.com/
Have you ever kissed someone who didn’t want to be kissed?
Oh man. That’s a terrible road to go down. I’m going to share my sad tale with you in hopes that others will not have to tread down this path, for it is made of jagged glass and you’re in sandals.
Let’s just be real, there is a lot of underage drinking that goes on in college. When my story happened, I was legally allowed to drink, but I’m not going to judge you if you weren’t. The goal is to keep others from making my cringe-worthy mistake. What fueled this mistake was doing things that I really shouldn’t have been doing. Just because I could drink something as big as my head didn’t mean that I should have. And while I’m at it, this is a good tip: don’t try to drink your way out of insecurity. Not a good idea. Just FYI.
So, I was totally drunk at my own party, basically hitting on everyone in sight, and there was this guy friend of mine that I had known for a while and for some reason — whatever stupid reason, silly silly reason — I had in my head, I decided to kiss him. Even though we had been platonic friends for years, and even though he made a comment like, “Wow you’re really drunk,” which should have been a clue that I needed to calm down, I was too drunk to pick up said clue. I hadn’t even planned it out and I didn’t think I would until he left. That’s when I went for it, I leaned in for a crazy hug and a full on-the-mouth kiss, and he turned his head away. He then pretended like it didn’t happen, and left.
I know, you’re wincing, I can feel it. I’m wincing just typing it.
So how did I resolve the problem?
By making out with someone else not long after he left.
Then I decided I should be some sort of adult and apologize, so I sent him an apology text and he was very gracious about it, said it wasn’t a problem, and wished me a good night.
For most normal people, this should have come as a relief and a good response, one they could have lived with. But for me, because I am crazy, it had the opposite effect. I went on a texting rampage about what I good kisser I am (which is true, I’ll be real) and how he should at least kiss me once before he dies (WHAT?). Then I must have basically just mashed the keypad with my fingers because I remember a lot of strangely spelled words. Then I told him, hey, it didn’t matter anyway, because I was making out with someone else.
Trust me, I’m as horrified as you are. What was I thinking? I could easily blame it on the alcohol, but I am not Jamie Foxx and I don’t like him at all. I think I was just in a desperate place where I really wanted assurance from someone that I was sexy and attractive and so I directed that toward my friend. It was terrible judgment. I don’t think I’m his type and I don’t think he ever liked me “in that way” and with my actions I basically assured that wouldn’t happen. It’s like I held up a sign that said, “Yes I am crazy and insecure, welcome to the party!”
We don’t talk, I feel like an idiot, and I’m still vaguely insulted that he wouldn’t kiss me. And why should this bother me? He obviously thinks I’m smart and funny and worth hanging out with, or he wouldn’t be my friend. Why should it matter if he thinks I’m attractive? I just had to take it a step further.
Ladies and gentlemen: please don’t let this happen to you. Know your boundaries, not just with other people, but with yourself.
Photo found on http://www.tumblr.com/dashboard
Do you find yourself saying, “I am such a great person, I would be such a catch, why don’t I have a partner?!” and then after you get one think, “Oh my God I’m such a loser, I can’t believe this person thinks I’m a catch, they’re going to leave me!”?
Don’t question your happiness. People are allowed to be happy! Good things happen to people! If you project that something bad is going to happen in your relationship then that’s going to take over your entire attitude and it’s going to make it bad. You’re going to create an issue where there isn’t one.
No, really: you’re allowed to be happy. I promise. You wanted something, you got it, now you’re freaking out. Don’t. Just because something good happens doesn’t mean that something bad has to follow. It’s like I saw on Pinterest: “Karma’s only a bitch if you are.”
It’s just a text. “Julia, read this text, look he says ‘I’ll see you later’ does that mean he’s blowing it off or do you think he’s actually going to get in touch with me to see me or should I get in touch with him or should I wait or is this over because I didn’t like the restaurant we went to and I think he could tell?” Put the phone down. Turn off the phone. You could use a break. Five minutes for every text freakout. Texts are not literature; they are not meant to be analyzed and dissected. Same with GChats. Tone can be incredibly hard to discern on the Internet. Sarcasm does not translate well. Humor can fly over your head. And a casual attitude can be misinterpreted as uncaring. So cut it out. A text is just a text. Really want to know what’s going on? Call them. Yeah, remember that? Calling people? Hearing voices? Remember how The Baby-Sitters Club had their own phone line and it was so freaking awesome???
Take a moment to think before you speak. Did your partner say something that worried you? Made you jealous? Angry? Don’t fight back right away. Actually listen to what they said and not what you thought you heard. There’s a big difference. Just process it, see how you feel about it, and if you need clarification go for it. But again, you don’t want to start problems where there aren’t any.
Work on that confidence! Pretend you’re being interviewed on a major talk show. You’d be wearing something awesome and talking yourself up while being witty and being flattered by the host and people would applaud you. Picture it, take the feeling with you, bust out.
Save the analyzation for your thesis!
The question I dreaded hearing most while in college was not, what are you majoring in, how are your classes, what do you think you’re going to do – it was “Do you have a boyfriend…” and then like someone letting an unclenched hand of dust blow into the wind, they’d follow it with an almost whispered “…yet?” and there the dust goes.
I would say no. No, I did not have a boyfriend. I was still congratulating myself for semi regularly making out with a boy. He wasn’t my boyfriend. He was the guy I only ever made out with. He went to a different college and I would go there with a friend to visit our mutual friend but mostly to see him, because making out with him was more fun than hanging out with my friend in the quad. Sorry. I knew he wasn’t my boyfriend but my relatives, strangely, seemed to really, really want me to tell them that I was in an exclusive intimate relationship with someone. It seemed to disappoint them when I told them I was not. What should I have said? “Well, Aunt Jo, no boyfriend yet, but I’m ‘hooking up’ with this boy at another college.” (I want to BAN the word “hook-up” from our vocabulary. But that’s another post.)
That I even got to the point where I was kissing a boy was pretty amazing to me. Did I assume that it meant we would soon wind up being boyfriend/girlfriend? Of course I did. Did we? Of course we didn’t. But it’s funny how life works. We’re friends now. But no, I didn’t have a boyfriend then. I didn’t have a boyfriend all through high school (again, girls’ school, I politely blame thee) and so why would I have one now? I don’t know how to speak French, so why is everyone expecting me to move to France?
It was such a weird time, experiencing all those new things at once. Before I left, my mom wanted to have “the talk” with me, particularly embarrassing because 1. Mom, hello, I know this stuff by now and 2. I HAD NO ONE TO DO THE LIVE ACTION VERSION OF “THE TALK” WITH. It’s like she was mocking me! Have no fear mom, really. I think I even cried.
Why? WHY? Why did everyone assume that because I was in my first year of college I had boyfriends under my belt and a serious one on the way? I too thought that high school and college would be a lot like the movies with Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy and that angry adorable Matthew Lillard, and I don’t even know who else, but none of that happened! The movies lied! And now it was my responsibility to either gently break the hearts of my family and friends and tell them that no, I was alone and mostly afraid of boys and that even kissing one was enough for me, the movies are wrong everyone, wrong! Or I could suck it up and pretend that they’re right and the movies are right and “Yeaaaaah we met at this crazy keg party but now things are really serious, who knows what could happen senior year!” The college I graduated from didn’t even have Greek life.
I had one real, actual, this guy would agree if I referred to him as my boyfriend, boyfriend while in college and that…that is a whole other post.
Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/20962143@N06/4823857390/in/photostream
Another new blogger? Can we really be this awesome? The answer is yes and yes. Meet Almie from Apocalypstick.…I think she can tell you what she is doing here.
There’s this scene in the film Peyton Place, the movie about the rich white teenagers in the early 1960s who don’t really do much of anything, and in this scene the kids are having a wild party while the parents are out. The parents come home and the mom practically hits this boy because he was in the closet with her daughter and he says smugly, “What? We were just playing photography: you get in the dark and see what develops!”
I never played photography.
I never played spin-the-bottle.
Or truth or dare.
I never did anything.
I went to an all-girls school.
I had a better chance of climbing Mt. Everest than making out with a boy. And I hate Mt. Everest. Do people not understand that the mountain DOESN’T WANT US THERE? GET OFF THE F*CKING MOUNTAIN. But that’s not important right now.
My first kiss was in 5th grade and that was only because the cool kids dared the coolest kid to kiss me because I was the uncoolest kid. God, kids are such *ssholes. The only guys I knew were remainders from the two years I spent at a co-ed middle school before I went to my all girls school in 8th grade. All two of them. I got close to making out with one of them during my girls school times. I “hung out” with him, and we watched The Shining together in his bed, a movie I had seen a thousand times but shamelessly pretended to have never seen so I could snuggle against him when things got “scary.” But we didn’t kiss. I was terrified. And it wasn’t because of The Shining. Things eventually got ugly between us, he called me an ice queen and I said some things in retaliation on AOL Instant messenger, which he then set as his away message. God, teenage boys are such *ssholes.
Did other girls my age have experience? I had no idea what was normal or what wasn’t; I felt like I was wearing a t-shirt that said, “I went to an all-girls school, I have no clue” that I could never take off. It took me a while to realize there is no normal. Really, there isn’t. You may hear people tell you that. That and, “Don’t worry, it will happen!” and if you’re anything like me you wanted to throw a martini in their face. Well I wasn’t drinking then, but I watched a lot of old movies, and thought that was so cool. “How would this person know?” you think. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it, that it will happen? But it will. And if it doesn’t happen at the age when you expect it to, the age that you think is normal, that’s fine. It may seem like people are judging you; it may seem like you should be ashamed, but honestly? No gives a flying monkey!
Everyone is doing their own thing, everyone is on their bumpy road, and you’ll get there. I know it seems terrifying. Maybe even scarier than climbing Mt. Everest. But at a certain point, you can choose to let the fear take over to to instead take a deep breath and think, “I got this.” The moment you stop putting pressure on yourself is the moment that it will happen for you. And if it takes you longer than your friends to date, be comfortable around boys, kiss — whatever! — I promise you, it’s fine. I give you permission to go at your own pace. I wish someone told that to me. Or maybe they did and I was too busy picturing them with martini on their face.
I’m sure there were girls in my grade who had no problem with boys, but my friends and I were not one of them. And, honestly, it took me a while to be okay with this. I felt like a beast for not being a make-out bandit. HUGE difference from Peyton Place, where girls insisted that they were pure because to be considered a slut was a punishment worse than death.
My point is: you are not alone.
Unless you want to climb Mt. Everest, in which case, I will not be here for you.
Going with the theme of Year of the Nice Guy, here’s some advice from the nicest guy in Bon Temps: Bill Compton, the gentlemen vampire from the True Blood series. Sure, he has his moments of violence, but it’s only when protecting the one he loves. Overall, he’s a pretty nice guy. For vamps. Let’s hear what he has to say about love.
1. Don’t worry about your own personal safety. If you are kidnapped, your partner will surely rescue you. Every time.
2. Lying is key to a healthy relationship.
3. Be possessive of your partner. Refer to them as “MINE!”
4. Secrets are great things to keep from your partner.
5. Never tell your partner to help you through difficult times.
6. Get aggressive and start fights with anyone who so much even glances at YOURS!.
7. In relationships, trust is optional.
8. Don’t explain your actions.
9. Put your partner in harm’s way.
10. Blame Eric.
Bill Compton is, in his own words, “Not a puppay dohg!” He is 174. He is king of Louisiana. Sookie is the love of his life.