In the great wide world of college dating, your guy options are more numerous than ever. Choosing between the jocks, frat boys, hipsters, preps, etc. probably has your head spinning. But amidst the hodgepodge of hunks, be sure not to overlook the often ignored nerds. While they may not be smooth or strapping, nerds make fantastic boyfriends. Here are just some of the reasons why:
While the dude with a closet full of LARP costumes may be too much for you, there are plenty of dorks that don’t go that extreme. Shift your eyes from the bad boy your mother will hate, toward the shy guy who’s acing your calculus class and you may be surprised to find a particularly bling diamond in the rough.
For more relationship and dating advice, pick up your copy of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags, available now wherever books are sold.
Photo found on http://www.thrilld.com/entry/257096/lost-in-desperation
In college, I basically slept with guys as a means of making them my boyfriends. Within the first few weeks of dating (a.k.a. going to after parties together and hooking up), we’d start having sex, which always lead to some sort of boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Well, really that only happened on two occasions, but twice was enough for me to assume that sex equated boyfriend…. boy did I make an ass out of myself.
Truth be told, the longest I’ve ever waited to sleep with someone I was dating is a month. Typically, I make it a couple of weeks, or, on one or two occasions, through the first date. I now know that just because you’re sleeping with someone (with or without a condom, mind you) does not mean that you are on your way to couplehood. But I definitely learned that the hard way.
I’ll never forget the first time a man, whom I’d been sharing a bed with four to five times a week, informed me that I wasn’t his girlfriend when I was under the clear assumption that he was indeed my boyfriend. Talk about a giant slap in the face…. and boy, it stung like hell. Looking back, there were a few warning signs I should have heeded – like saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in a relationship at this point in his life or that he needed to be more selfish – but there were also definite indications that he was interested in me as a girlfriend. I mean, come on, he made me dinner three nights a week at his house, texted me good morning and good night every day, we went out for breakfast, we went on hikes, we took yoga…. we did all of the things couples do together, except, we never had a discussion about it.
This is the number one mistake most women make in their romantic situations: They do not Define The Relationship, what we refer to in our book, The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags, as “DTR.” Never, under any circumstance, assume you are a guy’s girlfriend unless you’ve actually had a conversation that concludes with a verbal agreement that you are in a committed relationship. I don’t care if he brings you flowers on your birthday or goes with you to visit your grandmother in the nursing home, until a DTR sit down has taken place, he may pull the I-never-said-you-were-my-girlfriend card at any point down the road.
Now, I consider myself to be fairly intuitive and good at reading other people’s emotions, so imagine my shock when a man I had been sleeping with regularly for over a month informed me I wasn’t his girlfriend. I was devastated. He was too, actually, which was the most confusing thing of all. But he was committed to not being in a relationship. Something he hinted at early on. —Meagan
For more relationship and dating advice, pick up your copy of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags, available now wherever books are sold.
Photo found on http://miel-enlaslagrimas.blogspot.com/2010/06/sigue-las-instrucciones.html
Being a virgin in college can be a real drag. When all your girlfriends swap stories of passionate love making, scandalous screwing and one-night-standing, leaving you with nothing to contribute to the conversation, it’s easy to feel like you’re the odd woman out. It’s also easy to feel like you’re missing out. Combine the two and you might start to feel like you should just hurry up and lose your damn virginity already! After all, at the rate everyone’s sleeping around, sex can’t really be that big of a deal.
The truth of the matter is that it isn’t …. unless it is. And that’s something only you can determine for yourself.
Having decided to not sleep with my high school sweetheart, for no other reason than that intuitively I knew I wasn’t ready, I was the last of my college girlfriends to lose her virgin status. And, in the beginning, I was embarrassed about it. Somehow I had missed the memo, but I was certain that everyone in my freshman dorm (unless they were fairly religious, which I was not) came to school already “experienced.” It also seemed that everyone’s favorite drinking game was nine fingers, and the more fingers you folded down the cooler you were. So I would lie. Instead of holding my ground, and my fingers up, I confessed to sexual activities I indeed had never experienced.
Why? Simple: I was insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. I once heard someone say that as kids we are desperate to fit in, then at some point we become desperate to be different. It was fair to say that I hadn’t made that empowering transition, yet. All I can say is thank god I only lied about it and didn’t go out actually and have sex with any one of the fraternity boys I was hooking up with at the time.
Lucky enough to be born with an intuition that knocks too loud to be ignored, I knew one thing: I would so not be okay with casually losing my virginity to someone who was not my boyfriend…. My. Saving. Grace.
Funny thing is, by my junior year, my virginity became a mark of distinction I wore proudly. I had done everything but, partied with the best of them and knew all of the lyrics to the most discriminating gangster rap songs. In short, I was a sort of phenomenon. Being asked to clear up a bet between guy friends was a common occurrence – few believed I was still a virgin. And I loved it.
In the end, I lost my virginity to a boyfriend who was less than stellar, the big moment wasn’t anything to write home about and the sex that followed was, to be honest, boring. But I was glad the whole ordeal was over. I was also glad I had waited. While the event I had waited so long to experience was less than sacred, the guy genuinely cared about me and I was more than ready to have sex. After hearing high school horror stories of lost virginities, I felt fortunate that I suffered no emotional fallout when it was finally my turn.
Looking back now, being a virgin during my first three years of college was actually a blessing in disguise. The fact that I had never had sex allowed for me to fool around with different guys without having to think about whether or not I was going to sleep with them. I just didn’t. Having never experienced the pleasures of sex, I was satisfied pushing the limits without having, or wanting, to go all the way. A freedom only innocence offers.
I’m not saying that once you’ve had sex, you need to sleep with every guy you make out with. But, for me (and I’m assuming for most), the novelty of sex has worn off with the more partners I’ve had. Once the clothes come off, sex seems rather inevitable. The power struggle between hormones and reason typically comes down to one question: Why not? Being a virgin was a definite not. Easy answer.
So don’t be in a huge hurry to catch up to your sexcapading girlfriends. Right now, being a virgin may feel like a heavy burden, but being sexually active is undoubtedly accompanied by much heavier consequences. Why not retain your innocence just a little bit longer?
Once it’s gone, it’s nearly impossible to get back.
Image found on http://weheartit.com/entry/80113812
Feel like you’re never in the mood for sex? You’re too tired or too on edge to hit the sheets? You’re not alone: low libido is the number one sexual complaint amongst women.
When men get sexually excited, their penis takes over and their brain shuts off. For us, it’s a little more complex. Anger, anxiety, stress, boredom, low self esteem and unrealistic bedroom expectations can derail our desire to do the dippity. And if we’re on birth control, which is known to reduce testosterone levels, we’re even less likely to crave some sexual healing. Without a Viagra equivalent, we’re left frustrated and feeling like we’ll never have hot, passionate, orgasm-inducing sex again.
Don’t take a vow of celibacy just yet–there are a number of trial and error solutions that may help bring your sexy back:
A gal’s libido is bound to have ups and downs. If you feel like you’re stuck in a major down, don’t hesitate to make some lifestyle changes or contact a specialist. You’re definitely not alone on the issue so there’s no shame in seeking help. The benefits–that hot, passionate, orgasm-inducing sex again I mentioned earlier–certainly outweighs any associated awkwardness.
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More free time and parent-free dorms mean you’ll probably be hanging with the opposite sex more than ever in college. While exciting — especially if you went to an all-girls high school — getting up close and personal with guys can also be daunting. It’s normal to feel self-conscious and nervous when you’re hanging in the common room with a coed crew.
If you do have trouble acting “normal” around men, you probably admire the guys’ girl, that rare breed of female that can almost automatically relate to dudes. From talking sports to tossing back drinks, these women seem completely comfortable in front of their male cohorts. However, I can tell you from experience that being a guys’ girl isn’t all fist pounds and high fives.
Growing up, I always had more male than female friends, mainly because my interests skewed toward baseball rather than Barbie and I preferred getting down and dirty to getting all made up. Since I was always around guys, I became confident and at ease in their presence, perhaps even more so than with girls.
Being “one of the guys” certainly had, and still has, its benefits. Loyal, honest and low-drama, men are fantastic friends. Throughout high school and college, my first-hand knowledge of the male mind certainly benefited me dating-wise — I could call men out on their bullshit and knew when a guy was less in to me and more into getting me in bed.
Nevertheless, cons came with the pros. The guys in my crew almost never saw me as a regular girl. I fell somewhere outside the normal boundaries of female, and was therefore completely undateable. A guy doesn’t want to date his pal, he wants to score a hot mama.
Come college, some of my guy friends did indeed try to pursue me. But even if I liked the boy, I knew I couldn’t date him because it would completely alter the overall group dynamic. Dating one of the guys in my group of male friends would essentially change, and probably ruin, my friendship with every other group member. Despite this, I did date a guy friend or two only to find that what I had anticipated was indeed accurate. Previously uncensored around me, as soon as I was so-and-so’s girlfriend, the guys had to watch what they said and did in my presence.
Over time, I learned that boyfriends and boy friends fell into two separate categories. A guys’ girl can’t pursue a romantic relationship with a man in the same way she would pursue a friendship with a man. While friendship can create a strong foundation for a future romantic relationship, you always run the risk of getting stuck in the friend zone and never graduating to intimacy…. ever. So, if you like a boy as more than friends, or dream of a future romance, make it clear from the get go. Otherwise, you may get very hurt when you express your feelings a year into the friendship and he doesn’t reciprocate because he’s firmly established that you’re a buddy, not a bed buddy.
Maintaining a friendship when one person wants more and the other is satisfied with the way things are is nearly impossible. And as someone who’s been the friend who’s always just a friend, I can tell you that it stings to watch your best friend and dream man talk about, pursue and date other women – My Best Friend’s Wedding may be a slight exaggeration, but it rings all too true for many and most guys’ girls out there.
Bottom Line: Guys’ girls may have the upper hand in meeting men, but we seriously expose ourselves to potential heart crushing. Always be aware of how you’re presenting yourself to potential suitors and be sure to consider whether you’re willing to lose a best friend to maybe gain a boyfriend. As we say in the intro of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags, if you pay attention and proceed with caution, no one can tell you “I told you so.”
For more relationship and dating advice, pick up your copy of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags, available now wherever books are sold.
Photo found on http://-tasteofregret.tumblr.com/
It’s 7 a.m. and you’re mind is dull with the first realization of hangover. Mascara chunks clog your vision. The guy lying next to—who you were really excited to dance with, make-out with, and go home with last night—breathes deeply, eyes closed. Okay, what now?
Girl, it’s time to get your butt back to your dorm room.
As a seasoned “shacker,” to use the moniker my college friends and I bestowed upon a gal who stayed the night at a boy’s place, I learned many a lesson as to how to navigate the walk of shame. Here’s what you need to know:
1. You’re not fooling anyone. Look, you’re going out in the daylight wearing a dress that might have been cute last night, but looks skanky out of context, with your panties balled up in your purse. Or you’re wearing clothes borrowed from the guy you shacked with. Either way, you’re obviously doing the walk of shame. I say, tousle up that bed head, raise your chin and smile as you embark on your journey. Perhaps even make eye contact and wave to passerby. You are now following a long line of women who have made questionable hooking up decisions. Why not make it a strut of shame.
2. But still freshen up. Yes, you’re obviously a shacker, but why not wash your face and brush your teeth with your finger before getting on your way? You may run into a professor on your walk home. Also you don’t want to be mistaken for a homeless person or prostitute if you can help it.
3. Don’t leave anything behind. You may have the impulse to perhaps leave a key item for the guy to “remember you by,” like your panties, for example. (Obviously, I’ve never done that.) But that’s kind of creepy.
4. But do leave a note. If you don’t want to wake the guy up before you go (perhaps you’re already 30 minutes late for your bio lab or you don’t actually know his name), that’s okay. Mornings are awkward and the impulse to just get up and go is natural. Still, be courteous and leave a note reflecting the level of fun you had and how you’d want the relationship to proceed. “Thanks for a fun night” and your number will suffice.
5. Be honest with yourself about what happened. Spending the night at a guy’s place doesn’t mean he’s obligated to study with you at the library, take you out for frozen yogurt, call you or even acknowledge you in public. Which can really suck, especially if you’ve shacked with a guy you’ve been crushing on for a while hoping the experience will help take your relationship to the next level. (Oh, college, the lessons you taught me.) My advice would be to not waste your time wondering “what if” about a dude who doesn’t seem to appreciate having you in his bed. And definitely don’t waste your nights stalking his Facebook status updates. Shack, and learn. —Natasha
If you’ve spent Halloween on your college campus before, you know the drill: anything goes… as long as you’re baring as much skin as possible, that is. And, while we like to show a little leg ourselves during this once-a-year, no-outfit-is-too-slutty holiday, we’d like to give you some big-sisterly advice. Read on for our tips on how to look sexy, not skanky, this Halloween:
Be creative: Anyone can order the “Sexy Sailor,” “Sexy Jailer” or “Sexy Exterminator” costume online. (Seriously, there’s a sexy anything out there now). Instead of slutting it up for the sake of doing so, put together a costume (or make one!) that shows off both your hot bod and your creativity. Not to toot our own horns, but two members of our trio, Meagan and Natasha, made flamingo and peacock costumes, respectively, two years ago that were made of little more than bras, tulle and feathers. Sure, they looked mostly naked, but they got many compliments on how cool their costumed looked.
Make it a group thing: If you’re unsure about how sexy you’re ready to be on Halloween, get a few other gals from your floor and decide on a fun group costume so everyone will be wearing relatively the same thing. Superheroes and cartoon characters are always good go-tos, but you can find more creative (and still cute!) options by going as beer or soda cans (think, metallic mini-dresses), troll dolls (who can resist a fun wig?) or the Spice Girls (always a good last resort).
Don’t make it a competition: So… your roommate comes out of the bathroom wearing butt floss and a bikini top, making your halter top look like a nun’s habit by comparison. It’s all to easy to feel like a prude when you’re more clothed that your partner-in-crime but, honestly, sometimes more coverage can be sexier than less of it. Unless you’re a supermodel or a freak of nature (we’re thinking Rebecca Romijn in that XMen body paint), you should wear clothing in public. Plus, you also want to be able to comfortably get around. Especially if you’re going to be hopping from frat house to frat house and taking down a couple cups of Jungle Juice.
Wear underwear: Unless you’re donning leggings, opaque (as in NOT SEE-THROUGH AT ALL) tights or a floor-length gown (which we presume pretty much none of you will be doing), you must wear your panties underneath your costume. Yes, this seems like obvious advice, but you would be surprised how many vag slips we’ve seen in our day. No one wants to pull a Deena. (If you watch Jersey Shore, we’re referencing the episode in which she was dancing, underwear-less, in front of a glass partition. Not. Sexy.)
Go for funny: Maybe you think the whole “dress like a stripper on Halloween” thing is lame. We say, be like the third member of our trio, Julie, and wear something fun that showcases your personality, not your ta-tas. Whether you choose to dress like a Ninja Turtle, a lunch lady, or Mini-Me (all costumes Julie has donned), you’ll be the life of the party—you won’t look exactly every other girl there and you clearly don’t take yourself too seriously, which is always a plus with the dudes.
Photo found on http://slitzweitz.tumblr.com/post/11073626504
One of you lovely readers posed a question on Meagan’s last column, asking: “How can I find a guy who wants to go the (dare I say) old-fashioned route and date before the physical stuff?”
I’m here to give it to you straight: It’s not easy. College remains that quintessential time in a young man’s life when he is pretty much encouraged to hook up with any willing woman he can. Lucky for guys, there are many ladies who are quite willing to go all the way, or at least dole out a sampler of their stellar bedroom skills, as an attempt to convince these guys to want relationships. (This couldn’t be more counter-intuitive for these girls because if a dude just wants to hook-up, he just wants to hook-up, plain and simple. But I digress.)
Of course, not every guy comes to college looking to create a bed post ridden with notches. And for the ladies out there who are wanting to date, not get down and dirty, here are some signs that a guy is more into getting to know you than he is hoping to get your clothes off:
1. He asks you about yourself. This one might seem obvious, but one of the most overlooked signs of a guy who is just after some booty is one who keeps the “getting to know you” to a minimum. Make sure he can get past “What’s your major?” and “What dorm do you live in?”: A dude who is really interested in you will not simply interrogate you with generic questions, he’ll build off what you have to say and want to learn more about what makes you, you. (Give guys a chance on this one though— some of them really have a hard time talking to members of the opposite sex.)
2. He texts you within waking hours. Or, better yet, he calls. Ladies, trust me. I have been there. A guy who is actually interested in dating you will not contact you solely between the hours of 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. He will respect you enough, and want to impress you enough, to reach out at a time when you might be free to do something that doesn’t involve being in his bed.
3. His Facebook status updates revolve around something other than partying and drinking. Yes, beer and staying out all night drinking it, are novel concepts to the college boy who’s happily out of mom and dad’s line of sight, so it’s normal for a guy to want to share his cool new life with his social network. But you’re probably better suited for a lad who posts interesting articles or photos from his film project shoot than the guy who needs to update his status upon every beer pong hit…. especially if that’s his nightly M.O.
4. He makes dates with you. Notice that I didn’t say he takes you “out” on dates. Most college students have not the funds, nor the means (as in a car) to actually go on real dates, unless it’s to a romantic eatery such as the campus Del Taco. Don’t rule a guy out if he only asks you to be his study buddy or if you want to grab a coffee with him at the student center. (Honestly, just be glad he’s asking you out, sad as it might sound.) If you hit it off, he’ll likely take it to the next level with a “real” date.
5. He may be hard to find…. but he’ll be worth the wait. Speaking of library, the type of guy who is looking for someone to cuddle with, not canoodle with, won’t be found in the typical places most college kids tend to hang out: the frat party, the campus bar, the quad. The more involved you are in campus activities that you’re passionate about, the higher the chances are that you’ll find a guy who shares your interests. So, don’t shy away from the surfing club or Habitat for Humanity just because none of your friends are doing it. Branch out and you’ll meet not just a potential boyfriend, but new pals, too.
Photo found on http://loveliih.tumblr.com/post/7859806315
From the blind date who referred to herself in third person as “princess” to the woman who made her guy keep a lock of her hair in his wallet, some of the scariest stories on our blog, BigRedFlags.com, have been submitted by men about the fairer sex.
While we may not be as crazy and irrational as some guys seem to believe, we’re willing to admit that we gals are capable of committing some pretty unbelievable red flags. We can be demanding, unreasonable, manipulative, delusional…. and, sometimes, we know it.
So, with this is in mind, here are five red flags that many women — including us! — often commit while dating, as well as a little advice if you find yourself to be a repeat offender.
Trying to be someone you’re not. We totally did this in our younger days. Some of us — believing we know what men want —tend to put on a facade and play a role in an effort to attract dudes. This is silly because, in reality, what quality men look for is confidence. Pretending to be cool with just having sex, seeing other people or being ditched for his buddies when those things actually bother you, sets your relationship up for failure from the get go. Grown women know who they are, what they want and aren’t afraid to speak up.
Becoming a “tease” to get attention. Sure, men enjoy being toyed with a bit and often don’t mind the thrill of the chase. But beware that too many games will leave a man spent. He’ll soon tire of your teasing and find someone who is real. Women who play with men’s emotions usually do so more for the sense of control than because they’re actually into them. And, come on, once you’ve won a guy’s attention, which is all you wanted anyway, the game is usually over.
Comparing your relationship to other people’s relationships. When your BFF and her boyfriend plan a romantic getaway to Hawaii, or your little sister is planning her wedding six months after meeting “the one,” and your boyfriend of a year hasn’t even mentioned anything about your future together, you may start to question his love for you. That said, brashly acting on these emotions is not recommended. Sitting your guy down and saying, “So-and-so does X, why aren’t we?” won’t do anything other than irritate him.
Planning your wedding a little too soon. It’s one thing for a woman to fantasize about her wedding day, but it’s a whole other level of crazy to actually start planning it, especially if the guy hasn’t even thought about proposing. Arranging the event before you’ve really had a discussion about it with your man (or even before long-term feelings have even developed) indicates to him that you care more about a ring and a dress than you do about him maybe being your husband. While we always hear that it’s the “bride’s day,” a wedding should encompass your relationship, not just you. Plus, part of the fun in planning a wedding is getting to do it with the man you love.
Photo found on http://www.flinkepiker.org/
When I was in college, my then boyfriend really wanted to try something sexually with me that I really didn’t want to do. But, wanting to be the “good girlfriend” (more on this later), I brushed off his pestering with excuses, hoping he’d just drop it. Since he’d told me at the beginning of our relationship that he wanted to whisk me off to Hawaii for the weekend sometime, I told him that if he ever did, I would go along with his request, for anal sex, then. (Not exactly smart, but it was the only way I could get him to shut up about it.)
Then, our two-year anniversary came along, and he’d rented a really nice hotel room for us. When I got there, I saw that he’d decorated the entire place: There were leis, grass skirts, a coconut bra and water bottles in the shape of pineapples. He told me that since we couldn’t actually go to Hawaii right then, he’d recreated it for me. Of course, this was more of a means of convincing me to give him what he wanted, and less of a sweet, romantic gesture.
After fighting about it for a bit, I agreed to let him just do it. It was our anniversary. He’d spent like $500 on the hotel room, I was sick of arguing about it, blah blah blah. After he got in about an inch, my entire body recoiled. The feeling was surreal: It was like each cell in me was screaming “NO.” I told him to stop and he did, but for the rest of our relationship (which lasted longer than I can admit without being embarrassed), he’d harass me about doing it again. Since he didn’t get in all the way, it “didn’t count.”
Years later, I realized that my now-ex wasn’t exactly the greatest of guys: As a general rule, it’s a big red flag if your boyfriend pressures you into doing something sexually that you say you’re not comfortable with. Looking back, I see that I should have walked away right then and there. As it turned out, not only was there was more sexual-guilting to come, but this guy’s selfishness soon extended beyond the bedroom.
Whether or not you and your boyfriend have been intimate yet, sex (even theoretically) is a very important part of a long-term relationship. It’s how couples express love and, really, have a unique kind of fun together. And it requires respect and trust in order to remain a positive part of your bond.
Ladies, know that you don’t “owe” your boyfriend, or any man, anything when it comes to sex, whether it be giving him your virginity, enacting out a fantasy of his, or doing something he requests in bed. While I do encourage you to try new things with your guy when you’re comfortable and ready, you have a right to say no to any act you don’t want to perform. Period. A real man will respect that.
More than anything else, my experience taught me what being a “good girlfriend” really means. I need to be good to myself, first and foremost, not someone who goes along with a guy’s wishes in order to please him, compromising my comfort in the process. I know now that a man who truly loves me wouldn’t ask that of me.
Photo found on http://www.tumblr.com/reblog/6639561354/ry3nMQ4y?redirect_to=%2Fdashboard