There is no eloquent way to put it: rejection sucks. Not that eloquence has ever been my top priority when there are still cupcakes to be eaten, reality TV to be watched and an empty chair by the pool.
Not making the cheerleading squad or the debate team are one thing; but relationship rejection is a personal blow. It could be as simple as someone standing you up for a drink or as complex as an affair during a twenty year marriage. Rejection comes in all shapes and sizes, but the one constant is that it always messes with your mind, and will most definitely sabotage your future relationships if you allow it.
After fifteen years of dating, I can promise you that I’ve been on both sides of the rejection fence more times than Simon Cowell has worn a too-tight black t-shirt. I’m going to go over some common responses to rejection and how to work through them. Aren’t you just so excited you could run laps around the house? (Except, I bet you just realized that was only fun when you were five years old, and that level of physical exertion would actually be punishment at this point….)
1. You blame them. You get all of your girlies together and discuss every reason why this person is the scum of the earth and you’d never want him anyway. This is always ironic, considering the week before you were probably in the same room, with the same girls, listing all the reasons why you guys were perfect for each other. Now you’re pride has been wounded, so you have no choice but to believe this guy must be mentally unstable or clueless. Why else would he not want to be with you?
Ever stop and think how insanely cocky that is? I mean, really. You’ve rejected lots of guys before, right? Is there something wrong with your mental capabilities? No. You just weren’t feeling it. Or there was no chemistry, whatever. Last week, I had four different friends, who were cheated on and betrayed — and they were all GUYS! So just remember that you are experiencing the very same emotions that you have caused a guy to feel at some point.
2. You want revenge. Your first reaction might be to tell him just what a stupid decision he made by rejecting you. You want to hurt him back. You want to find the hottest guy in the tri-state area and be seen with him around campus.You want this guy to know exactly how much fun you’re having without him. He needs to see what he’s missing, right?
Okay, tuck the crazy away for a moment. The only thing you can do to make this situation worse is by seeking revenge. He didn’t want you for whatever reason, so seeing you with someone else isn’t going to change that. Nor is you informing him how much he’s going to regret this decision in the long run. It’s just going to make you seem desperate. Why are you wasting your time trying to prove a point to a guy who doesn’t want you? Let’s think about this logically.
3. You blame yourself. I hope by now you’ve read enough articles around here to know that the problem does not lie with you. Nor does it lie with the one who rejected you. Here’s a secret: no one has a problem. It’s called dating. We have to do a lot of it in order to find the one who will make us not want to date anymore. Rejection is just part of the sifting process. You’ll do plenty of it. Start blaming yourself and you might as well throw in the towel because that’s essentially quitting.
4. You allow it to dictate future relationships. The saddest part about rejection is that we let it change who we are. You think, “Well, now I can never trust anyone ever again,” and, “I’m so embarrassed. I’m never asking another guy out after this.” Ahhh! Don’t you see what’s happening here? You are giving this person power over the rest of your life. It’s bad enough that they betrayed you or turned you down, but now you’re going to let them hinder you from being happy? Why? Why would you let them do that? Take back the power. Only you can control your feelings and reactions. Only you can let something affect you — both positively or negatively.
How should you react?
First, be grateful they didn’t just string you along to “be nice” and waste a ton of your time. Raise your hand if you’ve done that, am I right?
Secondly, realize that hindsight is, as they say, 20/20. Has there ever been a guy in your past that you were madly in love with but who didn’t return the sentiment? And have you ever caught yourself saying, “Wow, so glad that never worked out ’cause he is a total loser?” Um, yeah. It might take a few years, but I guarantee you that you will see clear cut reasons as to why it is best that you didn’t end up with that person who rejected you.
Thirdly, don’t be crazy. Don’t seek revenge. Don’t blame yourself — and don’t blame them! They didn’t do anything wrong by being honest, and isn’t honesty what we’re always whining about wanting from everyone?
Time to practice,
Aside from the guy who has to put his mouth on a breathalyzer in order to start his car, there are several other itty bitty signs that a guy is not dating material. And unfortunately, they’re often signs that you would probably dismiss at first glance.
At several points in my life, I’ve been presented with a choice:
1. Good, faithful, mentally stable, responsible, non-dramatic, steady-job guy
2. Brooding, mysterious, always-pursuing-his-art, passionate, prone-to-cheating, wherever-the-wind-takes-me guy
And after many years of psycho-analyzing my girlfriends, I know that I am not alone in my repeated choosing of option #2. I’ve spent a great deal of time lately trying to figure out why it is we get ourselves into these tumultuous relationships with unstable people. There’s always the old “women like a project,” but I’m not convinced that is always the case. I, for one, don’t like projects – they exhaust me – although you’d never know it from the vast amount of fixer-uppers I’ve been with. So, maybe it’s just the feeling of excitement that comes along with a risky guy because you never quite feel like you have that person entirely. Know what I mean? It’s like they’re always an arm’s length away.
We can’t say that we find ourselves in these risky relationships because we didn’t know better. We’re not fooling anyone with that excuse. Yes, people can be deceiving, but I think we always have a hunch deep down. They warn us, we just don’t listen. Once, I actually had a guy tell me, “He’s the nice guy – the guy you should be with. I’m not, I’m a huge risk. Dating me is like playing the stock market.” Well you know how that story ends.
I played, and I lost my @ss.
For years, I repeated this cycle of dating unstable men: the British heroin addict, the tortured musician, the comedian who needed more counseling than the world could provide, the passionate poet. So what keeps bringing us back?
Like I said, perhaps it’s the excitement. That desire to be the one person who can cure them. That passionate connection that seems to only happen when you’re with someone who you know it will never work out with. Or that you can’t ever really have.
I haven’t quite figured out the science, but I think it might be a combination of them all.
But, here’s what I have figured out: it’s not worth it, though it may seem like it. And I don’t expect anyone to go through life without some mistakes, bad relationships and crazy, passionate moments with all the wrong people. I did. And you will.
However, I’ll give you the spoiler alert. In the end, most of us want someone we can make a life with. You’ll want someone you aren’t constantly paranoid about every time he doesn’t text you or walks in the door late. You’ll want someone stable, who will be a good father to your kids. And you won’t want the financial stress of someone who can’t ever commit to a career or direction. Because although the unknown and the excitement and the risk may pique our interest for awhile, it fights against everything that we truly want: the concrete things in life that matter.
You know, the picket fence and all that crap.
Take my word on this one,
“It’s always tempting to lose ourselves with someone, but, eventually we all want reality.” - The Mom, My So-Called Life
Image found on http://weheartit.com/entry/77670310
By the time you’ve reached my age, and I hope you never do because it’s positively dreadful, you’ve experienced quite a few relationships. Not only your own, but those that you’ve observed around you as all your friends eventually find their missing puzzle piece and force you to buy a $300 lavender dress in order to celebrate that miraculous event.
As you go through all the ups and downs of twentysomething relationships, you eventually discover what exactly makes them work and what leads to DisasterTown. But as many of you might be thinking – not every relationship that ends is unsuccessful. Many times you are with a great person who just doesn’t fit well with you, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t grow and learn a lot because of it. So, I have several relationships in my past that I would consider successful, even though we didn’t end up with the picket fence.
1. It’s easy. Maybe not easy like Sunday morning, but still, easy. Are you guys too young for that musical reference? Anyway, it’s so easy that it seems like something must be wrong. This is probably the truest thing I’ve ever said, so listen up: you know when you’re in the wrong relationship if it’s difficult. Difficult to trust, to communicate, to get along. You shouldn’t be spending sleepless nights waiting for texts and countless hours fighting over pointless things. You shouldn’t have to ask him to be up front and respectful. It should just be that way. Because when two people really care about each other the last thing they want to do is play games or make things complicated.
2. It’s fun. If you’re not laughing a lot, it’s not working. Relationships are all about finding someone that you can do everyday things with and have fun doing them. Life is long, and it’s not easy. And if you guys can’t find the fun in situations then you’re doomed and that is a fact. Being together should be a relief. It should be something you look forward to. It should never feel heavy – “Oh what is she going to freak out about now?” or “What is he going to snap on me for today?”
3. It’s public. If you are in a relationship with someone, they shouldn’t be trying to hide it. Ever. This is a recipe for disaster and almost always means there is a sneaky reason. I don’t care what they tell you about being a private person or not wanting to offend their ex or whatever. If someone is happy and committed to you, there shouldn’t be any reason why they don’t want to bring you places, take pictures with you, introduce you to everyone and incorporate you into their life. If they aren’t willing to do this, then you best be a steppin’.
4. It’s comforting. Your significant other should be the one you run to when you’re feeling sad. Why? Because they know how to make you feel better. They should be the one you want to celebrate with. Why? Because they will be the one who is most happy for you. They should be your go-to person for everything. A successful relationship is built upon a solid friendship of communication and understanding. If you’re lacking this, then you don’t have much to fall back on.
And that’s the truth. Like it or like it.
Image found on http://weheartit.com/entry/77602122
I’m about to rough things up in here, but it needs to happen.
I don’t know if you heard me the clearly the first time, but these are the most carefree years of your life. No career, no spouse, no kids and no mortgage. For goodness sakes, your student loans haven’t even started barking in your ear yet. You should be having a blast at all times.
I’m not saying that college dating is a bad idea. It’s a great idea. It’s a perfect time to explore and figure out what qualities you need in a significant other. In fact, many people meet their life partners during the college years. BUT….
There is a difference between having meaningful relationships and having any relationship. Particularly in college, I believe that we can become insecure about being “the single girl” among a sea of couples… and this can lead to a whole grab bag of problems.
How being a Date-Aholic can sabotage your dating life:
1. It leads to lower standards. The problem with being uncomfortable in your “single skin” is that it will most likely lead to you dating just anyone in order to fit in. I call this Loneliness Dating. Do you have ANY idea how many years I was the single girl?? Even into my late twenties. But guess what? All of my friends respected me because I never sold out. I knew what I wanted, and if I didn’t find it then I remained single. It is dangerous to fall into the trap of Loneliness Dating because sooner or later you start lowering your standards. You become so used to settling just to have someone around that you forget what you actually wanted in the first place. Or worse yet, he ends up really liking you and end up dragging on a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
2. You miss out on a lot of opportunities. When you are constantly worried about showing up to a dance alone or paranoid about how everyone must think you’re a loser, you are wasting your college years! Not to mention that when you are spending all this time with random guys in order just to “have someone” – you are missing out on getting to know people you might actually like for the long term! Being single is awesome in college because you don’t have anyone to hold you back. You can do whatever you want, anytime you want. The possibilities of the connections that you could meet are endless – so why limit yourself to watching a movie on a Friday night with loser boy just so you can say, “I have a date.” Hmmm?
3. It sends the wrong message. When guys see you with a different boy every week, it will give the appearance that you are needy. Guys like a girl who can stand on her own two feet – alone! Being alone doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of having a boyfriend, it just means that you are picky! So stop thinking that you have a scarlet letter on your forehead because that is only the way you are perceiving yourself, not everyone else. If you haven’t read my post on Confidence, The Ultimate Boy Magnet – do so right now!
Wait, what? He’s not interested? In you? But I don’t understand, how could this be? You’re cute, you’re smart, you’re not needy and you can rock a good pair of nerdy glasses. So how could this guy not already be going steady with you and sitting at the same lunch table every day?
Sorry, I miss the simplicity of high school sometimes.
Ok, we’re going to break this down. You might not like what I have to say, but that’s why we have a love/hate relationship. You hate what I say, but you love me ‘cus you know it’s true and I’m trying to save you from pain and misery, which balances out the hatred. Amiright?
Walking away when someone isn’t interested in you is one of the toughest things to master. It could be as simple as someone who just turned down your invite to coffee, or as complicated as someone cheating on you. Don’t even think I haven’t sent an ungodly amount of inappropriate text messages, emails and voice mails accompanied by random non-accidental run-ins just trying to get some answers.
But that’s the thing -the answers you’re seeking aren’t there. You already have the answer, and that answer is no. No further clarification needed.
So, the real challenge is not digging for answers – it’s getting from the big “no” to a place of acceptance.Here’s some tips on how to move on.
1. Don’t try to force the issue or convince him. This includes: trying to mold yourself into someone you think he will like, settling for every little ounce of time that he throw your way in hopes that spending time with you will change his mind and most importantly, chasing him down. It’s hard to accept rejection, but it becomes easier when you remember that you want someone to be as crazy about you as you are about them. Right? You want someone to pursue you. Right? So if you stop and just think about what you’re doing, then you’ll realize you are trying for force something that isn’t there. And where will that get you in the end? I know this is hard especially if he didn’t even give you a chance, but still, it’s his choice. The quicker you accept this the quicker you can focus your efforts on finding someone who does reciprocate those feelings.
2. Put yourself in his position and realize that it is his prerogative not to be with you. (I know, where did that superfluous “r” in prerogative come from?) Just as you will not want to date every guy who finds you attractive, the same goes for him. Now what if every guy you turned down kept asking you and texting you and showing up asking for further explanation? You’d probably think one of three things: a) Eew, creepy stalker; or b) What an idiot -why doesn’t he get the point?
3. Hope will eat you alive. Hope for World Peace all you want. But when someone rejects you – the hope needs to be buried there. They’ve given their final answer. The door has been slammed shut. The absolute worst thing you can do is try to search for hope among the burning ashes. “Oh, he text me to ask how I was? That means he’s thinking about me – yay! All of my subliminal messages must be working!” No. He’s most likely just trying not to be a complete jerkasaurus since he just rejected you. The answer is still a big, flashing NO. Don’t hold on to hope that in the future he might change his mind. If he does, great. But you hoping will only prevent you from moving on and it will keep you strung out on him, stalking his every move, clinging to his every word.
Walk away with dignity. Because we all know that it’s not personal – it just isn’t the right fit. Oh well. You’ll have several not-so-right-fits until you finally find the one that works. So, in the meantime, acknowledge his prerogative to not be with you, don’t force the issue and relinquish the hope that he might change his mind.
Until you do these things, you won’t be ready and open to finding someone else. And I know you’re thinking that there will never be any one else like this guy. But oh, there will be. And he’ll be so much better. Because he’ll want you back.
I was a late bloomer in a lot of ways. I looked like I was five until I was fifteen. I was like the “before” shot of every makeover you’ve ever seen for the better half of my school years. My teeth were jacked up, my bangs were always crooked and I had not discovered how to tame my frizzy Italian hair. Needless to say, I didn’t date anyone until my Senior year. Shocker.
My best friend set us up. I believe her exact words were: “There are two guys at my school that would be perfect for you.” They both had brown hair and blue eyes according to the very detailed description of important details that was provided for me. So I opted for the one who she thought was “more funny” obviously. Of course, she had accidentally started dating the other one before I had a chance to meet either of them, so I guess it was just written in the stars.
We met and instantly fell into premature love with reckless abandon. He was like worn in jeans – just perfectly comfortable and always made me feel amazing. He was the sort of guy who would drive an hour to bring me a cough drop cus I thought I might be getting a sore throat. Or flowers on a Tuesday. When he went on his senior trip to Florida, we almost died of missing each other. His friends told me he set a picture of me next to him at the dinner table every night. Hah! We were crazy about each other.
My Senior year, I was home sick and there was a snowstorm. He was broke, as is the fate of every unemployed high school boy who grossly underestimates the cost of having a girlfriend. He drove to my house and handed me a bouquet of sticks. He said he’d picked them outside of school and he hoped that 1) he wouldn’t get another in-school suspension and 2) it would cheer me up. I’m not one for sentimental crap, but to this day that is still my most favorite gift. I always kept them in the back window of my car.
We ended up dating for 4 years. And although his love for me seemingly grew by the day, mine didn’t. But why?
There are many reasons. First, I was already thinking about long term compatibility (as we women do) and since we were so young, he was still quite immature. He was already talking marriage and I just didn’t know if he would ever grow up enough to be responsible enough for a real job and a family. I guess you could say it was a classic case of bad timing. But on my end, I admit, I was also too young and inexperienced to fully appreciate him. I hadn’t dated much and I was doubtful that we were the best match and I wanted to see what else was out there.
Well, a whole lotta jerks. That’s what.
But, tis the fate of many a confused, early twenty-something trying to figure it all out.
That breakup was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. He was my first boyfriend, I was his first girlfriend. He cherished me. We were best friends. He was completely blindsided by the breakup and it strung out for two torturous years because neither of us could fully let go.
I’ve never stopped thinking about him. For years, I cried over it and what I’d done. We were in touch until before I left to study abroad in London. I had previously refused his attempts to get back together, but while I was in London, I truly missed him. I tried contacting him after I returned, thinking that with three years passed we had both come to the point where we could make it work. My dad informed me that he had a shotgun wedding two weeks before I came back.
Four years went by. He had moved. No one could get in touch with him. I had heard bits and pieces of how he was doing, but his wife forbid him from speaking to me. I desperately hoped that he was happy.
Then, one day, I was answering calls at the bank and I heard his voice on the other line. My heart completely sank. We talked for a half hour.
It was good to hear his voice.
Nice guys are tricky. Sometimes, we just have to get to the right place in our lives where we can truly appreciate them. Sometimes we have to go through a lot of heartache with not-so-nice-guys. Sometimes, we just have to grow the crap up.
Sometimes, it’s all of the above.
photo credit: http://mi-sparkle.tumblr.com/post/9726811754
We all know the frustrations that occur when our best friends starting dating and suddenly drop off the face of the earth, which can often leave us feeling bitter and resentful. But are you that girl? Are you the one ditching your friends when you enter a new relationship? Maybe, maybe not. But perhaps you are a serial dater – you might not be in a committed relationship, but you are always talking to someone. And life just doesn’t feel right to you unless you have a boy to cuddle with on a Friday night.
Well ladies, I hate to break it to you, but you are all in desperate need of a Guyatus. Whether you have a boyfriend or not.
You might think this is unnecessary, but I will show you exactly why you need one RIGHT NOW.
1. To clear your mind of the drama. If you’re in a relationship or even if you’re serial dating, there is always some level of drama. Am I right ladies? Why didn’t he text me back? Why didn’t he call last night, he always calls? Why is he talking to her, he knows I hate her? And when we’re in the middle of drama, we can’t make right decisions. In order for you to give yourself a mental break, and reassess your relationship, you need to take a step back. When you’re in it, you’re too involved to be able to fully analyze what is best for you.
2. To reconnect with the women in your life. Maybe you are that girl who ditches your friends when you meet a new guy. Or maybe you’re just preoccupied with your quest for “the right one.” Either way, you need to reconnect with your girls. Why? Well, they know you the best and they want the best for you. Sometimes, we are too deep in something to see that it is not good for us. It’s easy to be protective of your relationships, but try your best to be open to your friends’ perspectives. Even now that I’m engaged and fastly approaching the big 3-0, I still have a girl’s night marked on my calendar every month. And if there’s anyone who can relate to the problems and questions that you have in your dating life – it’s other women. Be refreshed and encouraged.
3. To regain yourself. Often times, we as women tend to ‘mold’ ourselves to what we feel a guy wants. This happens in relationships, but also in casual dating. We think that if we talk about the same things they do, or if we act interested in UFC fights and beer pong that they will somehow like us better. This is very dangerous – and not to mention – ineffective. So many guys have told me over the years that they want a girl who is independent, who has her own goals and passions and opinions. Who wants to date a clone of himself? If you are knee deep in a relationship where you are constantly making compromises of what you want and how you feel, you are losing who you are. But it’s hard to notice when you just keep going without some time to stop and take a look.
Here’s to taking a well-needed break,
photo credit: http://sophiesticated90.tumblr.com/
I have been there. You have been there.
Last week, I wrote about how the holidays can leave you feeling lonely, even if you’re with someone. And so let’s say you take my advice and break off that bad relationship – well then what? Thanks a lot Brit, now my life sucks! You’re staring a flurry of parties and holidayish (hellish?) events in the face and you’ve got no one alongside you to ease the pain. Not to mention the continual barrage of Kay’s commercials that are so bad they are almost good, yet they still make you want to puke.
When you are flying solo, the holidays most definitely do not seem like the most wonderful time of year. But is that really true? Well I’m here to tell you that this isn’t an American Eagle ad, and you CAN have a happy holiday without someone playfully throwing snowballs at you as you walk along a narrowly lit sidewalk.
I know you’re expecting me to tell you to go and volunteer to feel better about yourself. But you know me better than that. We’re going to talk about how this is the most wonderful time of year to be single and you’re going to tuck away that sad face Macaulay McSulky!
I present to you 4 reasons to be lovin’ your singlehood this holiday season:
1. Because you can bask in the excess of money. Spend that extra hundred bucks (or whatever you would have spent on your sugarlump) and get yourself a new haircut, a ridiculously hot dress, super sexy shoes or all of the above. Show up to a New Year’s party feeling fabulous and relish in the fact that you didn’t have anyone telling you that purchase was a waste of money or that you already have enough of those.
2. Because you’re not stuck in awkward situations. Listen carefully as all of your friends gripe about the awkward family gatherings that they have to attend with their sweeties and cry tears of sweet joy that you only have to put up with your family this year. You won’t have to pretend to be excited about the towels your boyfriend’s mom got you or the fruitcake his grandma forced you to try. Things won’t always be this easy, sister. And then there’s always the internal dialogue of: “But what if I spend too much? Then he’s going to feel like crap. But what if I don’t spend enough? Then I’m going to look like a creep!” Ahh, the stress! Nope. You don’t gotta worry about that.
3. Because you can capitalize on endless opportunities. Think you’re the only one who’s single for the holidays? Pssh. There has never been a better time to meet people -they’re literally lining the walls of every party and check out line! And who can’t resist falling in love than with big, giant snowflakes and Christmasy lights around you? Ugh. So go to every party you’re invited to, look fabulous wearing your new dress (see point 1) and spread a little holiday joy.
4. Because you have more time to focus on what matters. Last year was the first year I had time to make Christmas cookies, put them in cute little packages with a Christmas quote and deliver them to my friends. Let me tell you, it put me in the best mood. It’s especially great when people aren’t expecting it. Plus, you know if you were in a relationship you’d be spending almost all your time with them – so use the opportunity to double up on family and friends time.
And you know, I suppose you could volunteer too. It’s not the worst idea.
photo credit: http://shinelikelouboutins.tumblr.com/post/12741508852
It really is quite simple.
Have you ever made the devastating discovery that a boy is not as interested in you as you hoped? But somehow, that only makes you want them more, which puts you in an entirely torturous situation? Have you ever gone through a breakup and it seems the guy could care less? It is completely infuriating and leads to utter insanity.
Well, if I had it my way you would not waste one more solitary moment beating yourself up or wondering why you aren’t good enough. Ladies, I cannot be any more passionate about the topic of confidence. If I could come through the screen and shake you uncontrollably, I would. I realize that sounds a bit unnecessary, but that’s how important it is for you to understand what I’m about to say.
Confidence is the key to everything in life — especially relationships. Many people struggle with confidence, but the good news is that you have the ability to change that at any time. So, why is confidence so important?
1. Confidence gives perspective. Here is what you need to understand: there are billions of people on earth. If you are going to end up with just one, measly male then that means there will be a lot of broken hearts in the meantime. You will hurt a lot of guys. A lot of guys will hurt you. Have you ever broken up with someone because they just didn’t feel like the right fit, but you had a hard time telling them because they were such a good person? Exactly. So why do you take it so personally when the tables are turned? Get it through your pretty little head that it has nothing to do with how good or pretty you are — dating is designed to help people find their right fit. If you’re going to put yourself out there, you’ve got to be able to accept both sides of the coin.
2. Confidence makes you so, so attractive. In the same way that you find yourself wanting the guy that won’t give you the time of day, it works just the opposite. I used to have this friend in high school. She wasn’t gorgeous, she wasn’t a cheerleader, she didn’t have any extraordinary talents, but she was a boy magnet. Why? Because she didn’t care who liked her and who didn’t. She was happy and preoccupied with doing things that enhanced her life, and that is attractive. Guess what?If this guy doesn’t like you, the next one will; and just when you think that you will never find anyone else, you will find better. Trust me.
3. Confidence shows you have respect for yourself. What kind of message does it send to everyone when you are wanting to kill yourself because a guy didn’t want to date you? First of all, that’s going to scare all the other guys away because they will think you are some psycho Juliet. Secondly, it says that you have given a stupid guy, who doesn’t even care to give you a chance, the power to make you feel horrible about yourself. Why would you allow him to do that? Doing so is truly a disservice to yourself. If you’re rejected, remember that you don’t want to be with someone unless they are crazy about you too. You can’t change someone’s feelings for you, but you can change how you let that affect you. More than likely, once you move on with a smile and forget that loser, he’ll come knocking at your door anyway.
The one thing you’ve got to remember is that no one else on earth is like you. Use it to your advantage and don’t allow anyone to make you feel inadequate. You’ll notice a difference in your life immediately.
Remember: you can’t control anything in life, except your reactions.