Yup, that’s right. There have been many days where I have straight up, no holds barred, pulled most of it out of my @ss.
For as cool as people think being a dating coach sounds, it has been a whole bucket of hard.
I was not given a business model to follow. There were no super successful dating coaches I can have as mentors (as it turns out, they are mostly fakin’ it too). No previous college love coaches instructing me from the wings like a pageant mom telling me when to smile or what to say when I am asked a tough question. (I do, however, have pretty big hair.)
There have been many days that I sit in my favorite coffee shop/office nearly hyperventilating as my friend talks me off the ledge and plies me with the 3 “C’s”: coffee, chocolate or champagne.
Since I started my business almost five years ago, I have questioned every fiber of my being and seen every fear that I knew, or didn’t know I had, show up and laugh at me. I have had months where I barely made rent, watched my own dating life come to a complete stop more than a few times (turns out telling guys I am a dating coach is not quite the turn-on I was hoping it would be), worked 12+ hour days pretty regularly, and drank more coffee than I knew could even be consumed by a human.
So, you can probably understand how it makes me laugh really, really hard when people assume this passion has been an easy road that started with me waking up one morning and saying “I am going to be a dating coach!” with it all just falling into place. I learned very quickly to wake up most days and just “fake it until I make it.” I would assess the day and my goals and just start working…. hoping for the best and trying not to lose my mind in the process.
So why did I do it? Why would I put myself through the daily struggle of my business when I had zero idea of what the outcome would be? Why would I forgo the steady paycheck, insurance, safety net, and pretty much sanity of a normal 9-5 job? Because in all of this crazy, it turns out this experience has really made me a better person.
This is part of my journey and I have learned more about myself in this challenge I have taken on than I ever thought was possible. I have taken those fears, looked them in the eye and said “bring it on, sailor.”
The best part? I get to make other people’s journey better, too, and it turns out after all of this hard work and fakin’ it, I am actually really good at this and it is all working out.
So, what is the point of me sitting here and sharing my fears, frustrations and crazies with you and what the hell does it have to do with with dating?
Wait for it…
I see college women coming to me all the time for answers, secrets, tips and tricks, anything to get love all figured out. They want me to get into their latest hottie’s mind and tell me exactly what he is thinking to understand why he is or is not calling, texting, treating her right, or downright leaving her not only on the crazy train, but driving it loud and proud.
They are hoping that if I can make some educated guesses they can fix the situation so it feels good and safe. Thinking that if they know all the rules they can avoid the uncomfortable, the unknowing, the fear, and most of all, the heart break.
But here is the biggest secret I can share with you: there is no secret. There are no actual answers. There are no real rules. Even if you do everything “perfectly” on your part, you still may get hurt. There is no way to guarantee a certain outcome. There is no right way or perfect moments. You are going to have to fake it like the rest of us. And there is nothing more worth faking than the intricate and beautiful art of the personal love relationship.
Love, dating, and relationships are all part of our journey, and college is a great time to really make the most of that journey. You can meet lots of different types and styles of people and take them out for a test drive to see what is a good fit. And on those days when you are beating your head against the wall wondering, “Why bother?” or saying, “I give up,” just remember it is because they make you a better person. Love, relationships, friendships, dating all help you know yourself better and work on vital life skills like communication, self-expression, empathy and just learning how to take care of someone and letting them take care of you. And, you know…. that love thing.
It isn’t always just about the good stuff, it is sometimes about all of the stuff in between that helps us realize how truly strong, powerful and wonderful we are. Isn’t that why we are all here?
Makeover challenge for the day: Let go of the outcome and enjoy the deliciousness of the journey. Stop looking for things to “fit” into your idea of perfect and the way they are supposed to look. Look at how you can change your perspective to see everything as a success instead of a frustration. How can you fake it until you get the hang of it?
Talk to me.
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A few years ago I went on what you might call a kamikaze mission.
I felt like I was having a lot of conversations in my head revolving around my past crushes and relationships, and I was coming up empty. Looking back I spent a lot of my high school and college years in what I like to call the “pseudo relationship.” I would meet someone and without ever really discussing ANYTHING we kind of tripped and fell into a relationship. Not much differently than the time I tripped and fell on that bar dance floor in college after losing a battle to margaritas. Awkward.
These pseudo relationships would last anywhere from 2 weeks to six months and would usually be a roller coaster ride…. And not the fun kind, but the ones where you are sick for over half of it and are pretty sure you are going to throw up your funnel cake. It would start with some flirting, which lead to hanging out, and then at some point kissing would commence. Since I was basically just a ball of nerves, I would never talk about my feelings or what exactly what the heck we were doing (I didn’t want to scare them away, right?) So I just kinda waited around hoping for it to turn into something that I would recognize as a relationship. Usually, somewhere along the way, someone would hurt the other’s feelings and it would either end abruptly or fade away…. into the night.
The end of those pseudo relationships was always terrible since I really didn’t know what happened and it left me with my own thoughts to create reasons why it ended. None of those reasons did me, or my confidence, any favors.
So, one day I woke up and did something about it. I started calling all of these pseudo exes and asking them why we broke up. Starting with some small talk, I moved toward sheepishly asking them the question that had plagued me for years: “So, why exactly did we break up again?” I braced myself for answers that had been running wild in my mind. They usually had to do with them losing attraction to me or that they could see “the crazy” I was feeling since I never really knew where I stood. And do NOT underestimate “the crazy.”
As I awkwardly asked the question, they usually paused for a moment to think and then the big moment happened. The one where I finally found out that I was totally and completely wrong. In every single case.
Turns out, they didn’t wake up one day and find me un-kissable, and most of them knew I was a little crazy (in the good way) when they started dating me. The funny thing is that most of the time it really wasn’t about me at all. It was usually about timing.
Here is what I have figured out, and stay with me here, smart stuff is a’comin’. We are all just moving through the ebb and flow of life and trying to do the best we can. Relationships start and then end for hundreds of reasons, and most of the time when they end it really isn’t about you. We all have millions of experiences that help us decide who we are attracted to, who we want to date, and what we think love and relationships look like. Good or bad. When something happens that registers as similar to a former experience in our/their brains it can either help us move forward towards a relationship and stronger feelings or it can have us stopped in our tracks scratching our heads because it goes against what we know or are okay with.
It’s the reason why someone who has been abused in a relationship usually finds an abuser in future relationships. It is why we find mates similar to one of our parents. Why all of our past boyfriends and crushes may look different and even act different, but probably play a similar role in the relationship. We naturally gravitate towards what we understand and know of love and relationships, but it is also what helps people gravitate towards or move away from us. It is why we “literally” can’t be upset or offended when someone doesn’t choose us. It actually has NOTHING to do with you, but instead what they know and have learned of love.
So, if all of this isn’t about us, what can we do to find love and create a great relationship? Be in charge of what you can control. You and the way you respond to it. Here are a few other things…
*Be yourself, it is going to show up at some point anyway.
*Take a look at who you are gravitating towards and see if it is a good thing or not so good.
*Don’t take it personally if something that has potential doesn’t work out, you just might not be their potential. So what?
*Keep your expectations realistic so that if something doesn’t work out you can be ready to look for a better match instead of spending 3 months recovering from the last possibility.
*When you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, step back and ask if you are uncomfortable because someone is treating you badly or because this is a new type love you haven’t experienced before. Ask yourself: is this healthy? If it is, give it a chance.
With this knowledge you can beat the system, learn about how you view love, and gravitate towards the right matches that want to take love to a whole new level with you. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
Have you checked our radio show? Brit and I are ridiculous….it is worth a listen.
I think it was the genius singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne who brought up the ever important question…“Why did you have to go and make things so complicated?”
Man, do we complicate things. Sometimes things are so easy, almost simple and we somehow make things harder than they are. We add feelings where they don’t exist, we think we are in love when we don’t know all of their good and not so good stuff, we have sex way too soon in a relationship (yeah…I said it), we put up a wall, get clingy, project our crap….the list goes on and on. At the end of the day we are all just trying to connect. Build. Share. Learn. Love. That’s it. It is a human need, it is us who complicates it.
Let me give you an example.
I have actually had numerous ladies that have told me a story that ends with “well he says he just not interested in dating right now…what do you think that means?”Hmmmm…..What do I think that means?!?
Well, as someone who has started to speak fluent manspeak, I will translate it for you. It means “he isn’t interested in dating right now.” Yup, that’s it. But ladies will sit with their friends for hours and deliberate the whole entire dating relationship to decipher this cryptic message. They turn into the modern day Nancy Drew looking for clues into what happened. Here is some of the answers I have heard.
“He got scared of getting too close.”
“He was intimidated by your (smarts, looks, sense of humor, etc.)
“He must not be over his ex.”
“He likes you TOO much.”
Here is the truth. I wasn’t in those relationships. so I have absolutely NO idea what happened. But here is what I do know. He isn’t interested. That’s it. That is all you need to know. Somehow all of the stuff that brought him and you to that point just isn’t the right match for him. It isn’t personal. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just isn’t right. So why take up your time (and most likely everyone else you know) trying to decipher this cryptic code that isn’t really so cryptic. Why let this kick you in the insecurity and have you question your worth? When really you have all the pieces to the puzzle. He isn’t looking for a relationship with you. So what? I bet someone is.
So really, is it that complicated?
This week, work on uncomplicating things. Let go of the feeling that it is all about you, your expectations and just have fun with it. Get to know someone for the pure pleasure of understanding another person and their differences. Collect stories. Build a connection with the intention of sharing, instead of trying to manipulate it and figure what will happen in the future. It probably won’t happen that way anyhow. Give a hug…because you can.
Once you start to uncomplicate, you can just enjoy the journey. Isn’t that the point?
Here is my recent post for the super smart USA Today College. If you have not checked them out, they are a must. Recently, I found myself in a random, yet fascinating, conversation at one of my favorite coffee shops (a.k.a. “my office”) on a snowy afternoon. To be honest, conversations with strangers are one of my favorite things on Earth. Knowing you may never see them again allows a pure honesty that you don’t always get with people you see on a day-to-day basis. In this quickly intimate conversation, we began talking about friendships – and he made one of the most thought-provoking statements that I had heard in a long time. “We are represented by our five closest friends.” The comment was almost flippant, but it sent me reeling. I have always been a proponent of “you are who you surround yourself with,” but the simplicity of this utterance made me wonder about my five people – and am I really OK with them representing me? College is an interesting time for friendships and sometimes we end up hanging on to friendships with freshmen dorm roommates and floormates instead of people who support, inspire us and make our days better. Without even realizing it, you might find yourself spending your time talking, studying, eating and socializing with people you don’t have much in common with, let alone even like. Why does this matter – and what does it have to do with dating? Well, everything. Friends impact us in many, many ways. They can affect our mood, confidence, lifestyle choices, social life, schedule, etc. In other words, they are either helping or hurting. So, here are three types of friends who may be keeping you from your best love life. Do any of them sound familiar? Read the rest of the story on USA Today.
Cuddling in front the fireplace. New Year’s Eve kisses. Mistletoe. Looking around it can feel like a conspiracy that everyone has someone during the holidays EXCEPT you. Considering that this was a time of year that we counted down to as kids, it can be pretty tough when you are single. Whether it is your annoying uncle asking, “where is your boyfriend?” at the family get-together or watching your friends come home talking all about their new college hottie, the holidays can make you feel more lonely than ever. Throw in the cold weather and snow and you might as well hunker down with a cup of eggnog, your blanket and the A Christmas Story marathon on TBS.
BUT what if this year you sat back and looked at the holidays a little differently. What if you realized that this is a season not only of joy and good cheer but also with tons of events to meet people and they are usually in a good mood! It is the time of year to spread love, not hide it under the blanket you are wrapped in on the couch. So lose the Bah Humbug and follow these tips for a fun and festive holiday dating season.
1. Get some holiday life support
Grab your cup of eggnog, blanket and use that down time for good! Write a list of other single friends and acquaintances that are home for the holidays and in the same boat as you. Choose people who are friendly, positive and open to meeting new people. Invite them over and get them on board for Operation Holi-date 2013. Agree to encourage and make each other accountable for getting off your couch and getting out there. Your support team can also help you buy that guy you have been crushing on a small holiday gift or be your wing person as you talk to that barista that makes you laugh every time you order your caramel macchiato.
2. Say yes!
Now that you have your support team in place, embrace all of the great parties and other events during the holiday season. Say yes to all of them. You never know who even your lame cousin is going to have at their holiday function and can always use the excuse that you have another holiday party to jet off too. Have each member of the team pick out one or two other community events that they have always wanted to check out and commit to it. This is also a fantastic time to have a great singles holiday party yourself. It is hard to feel lonely when you are ridiculously busy!
3. Spread holiday cheer
‘Tis the season to be jolly, so take some of your holiday cheer and spread it by volunteering. Even if you don’t have much money, you can still donate your time. Check out the United Way Holiday Wish Book for great opportunities or check in with your local schools, hospital, church or youth center. There are so many places that could use your help during the holidays and what a great way to meet new people!
4. Give a special gift to your favorite person…yourself
Now that you don’t have to spend lots of time and money searching for that “perfect gift” for your significant other, use it get yourself a little something special. I am a firm believer in the happier you are the easier it is to find awesome people to date. So go out there and give yourself a little holiday happy!
5. Reconnect with old friends
This is the perfect time of the year to catch up with people that you haven’t heard from in awhile. Nobody is going to think twice about receiving a holiday card, email or phone call from you. You also never know who else became single recently and might be interested in a reunion.
With your holiday support team, tons of party possibilities and a vacation to an exciting destination, the holidays may now become your favorite time of the year. If nothing else, you always have “A Christmas Story”.
Photo found on http://fuckyeahcutewishes.tumblr.com/post/14459534848
You know, I have always considered myself to be a pretty trusting person. I leave my car doors unlocked way too often. I am very open with a lot of my stories, even the ones that make me look like an ass. (See every blog post I have written on this site.) In my younger years I was somewhat gullible because growing up in a small town in Wisconsin didn’t leave me with tons of life experience. I like rollercoasters…. a lot. Remember the trust falls, you do at camp or leadership trainings? Yeah…. I kicked ass at those.
So you can bet I was surprised as hell when trust looked me in the eye not too long ago, challenging me in a 4th grade stare down. Turns out, I lost.
Here is another one of those stories where I pretty much look like an ass. But it IS Ladies Dating Badly week, so this one is for you.
Awhile ago, I was exploring something new with someone pretty special. Things had been going swimmingly, which is remarkable for me. After a long time of my own self-discovery, I had finally found someone who wanted to meet me halfway. He was crazy smart, down to earth and the kind of guy that when he started laughing I couldn’t help but laugh with him. His accent made my toes curl and his sweetness towards me would instantly kick down any wall that had been left there from previous suitors. Here is the real kicker, though. He would ask questions, truly listen and every day make sure I was feeling taken care of. True story.
Being a recovering “fixer,” that was very brand new in the slightly wacky world of Kira. Although I was able to thrive like I had never had in a relationship before, I occasionally would default into the artist formerly known as “Freaked Out” and find myself not quite sure what to do with all of the…. goodness.
It was scary. Having this person consistently and lovingly offer something of himself to me every day threw me off. I had never known this and with this beautiful gift comes the fear of it being taken away; once you feel this stunning happiness that you never even knew existed, the thought of it going away is terrifying.
Finally, one night, way too late, we stayed up talking in a tough conversation. I was feeling vulnerable, he was a little confused and I was immediately going to that place waiting for the other shoe to drop like it had so many times before.
Although we were having a healthy and open conversation, in my mind, I was waiting for him to tell me that he liked me and all, but was moving along. Sweetly, of course, because he was just that good of guy. I was waiting to hear that I had been too much of one thing or too little of something else, and it just wasn’t going to work out. I sat there that night knowing we would fix this, but wondering how long it would take him to realize that I was very imperfect, that the confidence I have fades away some times when things get tough. That I have messed up many times before. That I say the wrong things. That tend to spill things. And I spill a lot.
So, in the quiet of the evening. Way too late for him since he had to wake up early to work, I sat there. Silent. Wanting to shout out my fears. My insecurities. My stuff. My feelings for him that downright overwhelm me some days. But as my mind was tired and running, I became scared that he might take one look at “the crazy” and run away. Like so many had before.
So, I blurted out some kind of nonsense. Mumbled something about fear and leaving and liking him.
And then, he looked inside of me, saw my fear and gently took it from me. He quietly said, “I am here. It is time that you trust me. I think I have proven myself to you and deserve that. Without it, this is never going to work.”
And you know what? He had. Over and over again. Whether some days I deserved it or not. He was always there. Willing to listen, laugh, care or tell me how much he liked my hair.
It was time for ME to stop dating badly, ladies. To put some trust in this incredible man who deserved it. Because by me not believing in him, believing in the relationship and trusting him, I was subtly sabotaging it. Pushing him away. Buying a ticket on the crazy train although no one had done anything wrong. A relationship can not grow or thrive without trust. You will just keep hitting walls, fears and hurt until you have pushed so hard that you have given the relationship no choice.
Ladies, we love to bitch about how tough dating is. How many jerks and douchebags are out there. How hard it is to find great guys. How many times and ways we have been hurt. But I will tell you this: even when you find it, the really really, good stuff, it is still hard. Then the battle with yourself begins.
But don’t worry, The College Crush is on your side, and you can win. We have an arsenal of awesome to help you out.
Photo found on http://imgfave.com/view/64312
This is one of my favorite stories of all time and a place where I can look back and watch my life change. All in a single moment.
Grab a coffee, sit back and join me for a ride on the life lesson train.
Let me start by saying that I love asking people about their most embarrassing moments. Not only is it entertaining for me, but I am able to learn so much about a person from their stories about “falling” out of their comfort zone and their temporary humiliation – usually, all with a smile on their face.
I, however, was born a wee bit of a klutz, so some people’s most embarrassing moments are just “Daily Kira Moments.” If there is a drink I will spill it; a rock, I will trip over it. Let’s just say I gave up wearing white years ago.
So when people ask me about my most embarrassing moment, I always look at it a little differently than most. For me, it is not about spilling or tripping, but about times where I was less than my best with people I care about. This one is a doozy.
During my sophomore year, I went home for awhile due to an illness. It was a pretty stressful time for me and my body was taking the brunt of it. In all of his awesomeness, my friend Chad visited almost every weekend. My parents loved him (mostly for “dealing” with their stressed-out daughter) and my Mom had his favorite dessert, cherry cheesecake, waiting for him.
This weekend was no different than others. It was Saturday afternoon and my mood was a little grumpy (as it usually was during that time). My Mom pulled out the cherry cheesecake and asked me to serve it while she tended to Chad’s every need, hoping that he would become her future son-in-law. To this day, I don’t remember what exactly Chad said, but whatever it was it made me so upset that I slammed down the cherry container spraying cherries everywhere. I then picked up a handful of cherries and wiped them across his face. Yup. I did that. Did I mention I am a life coach?
I was instantly horrified by my actions and ran upstairs crying. Sobbing. I could hear my Mom shouting at him to “leave me and my terrible behavior alone, so I could think about what I had done.” Apologizing to him, she was probably wondering how she could raise such a horrible daughter.
I could not believe what I had done. I could not believe that I could treat a guy like that who drove 4 hours every weekend to see me. Especially since he was my best friend. As if I was dying, I saw the history of our entire friendship flash before my eyes as well as the inevitable ending that was bound to happen after the “cherry cheesecake incident.” I sat on my bed tired, deflated, praying that the “break up” would be quick so it wouldn’t be so painful. Or at least he wouldn’t be there to see how painful.
I heard the stairs creaking underneath his feet as he made his way upstairs. A wave of nausea came over me. As he walked into the room, I was crying too hard to even stutter out a “I’m so, so, so sorry.” I just sat there sobbing, face red, nose running, paralyzed.
He looked over at me, smiled, walked towards me and hugged me in a way that I knew he wasn’t letting go for awhile. Then he said, “I shouldn’t have said that, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
I instantly started crying more and the flood gates opened. I started babbling through the tears and confessing (kind of like that scene with Chunk and the blender in Goonies) about how I was a horrible person, friend, daughter and clearly a little crazy. I expected him to leave and never look back.
He pulled away from me, put his hands on my shoulders and smiled. He then said something that would change me forever. “I love you Kira and not just the good stuff. I love the good stuff, the bad stuff and everything in between. I love the whole Kira package.”
At that moment I felt it. True unconditional love. It was amazing.
Looking back, I realize now that up until that moment I always thought love had conditions. I thought I needed to look my best, be on my best behavior and aim for perfect to be loved. I mean who would want to love my flaws? There were plenty. However, Chad taught me that day when you get past the beginning stuff and the “real” you shows up (which it is going to end up doing anyway) that is where the real love exists. It is not about only the good stuff, but about the whole package.
Life is a constant learning process for me and I am the last person to say I have the answers, but I will tell you that I have learned that in this crazy journey there is always a whole package, whether you see it right away or not. I hear a lot of women joke about Prince Charming, but secretly in the back of their minds I know they’re hoping he exists, looks like Robert Pattinson and is on his way to save them. But here is something that I have been contemplating lately: I love the rush of a crush. The excitement of new romance. The breath stopping need for passion. But what I’ve learned is the love that shows up later is the most satisfying. I’m talking about the one that sticks around when you have no make-up on; have your hair piled on top of your head; the one who leaves you with the delicious feeling of someone who knows you, asks about your day and actually wants to hear the answers.
Are you looking for the whole package? Talk to me.
Photo found on: http://mentallymoonwalk.tumblr.com/
Every year a movie comes out that is never up for an Academy Award, is not a summer blockbuster and usually doesn’t star any big stars. A movie where you are so involved while watching it time stops and at some point you realize that this a precious moment where you will be changed. You may even get emotional at some point during the movie because you realize that it has to end and you don’t want it to. Usually one or two of these movies a year make their way into my heart and stay there forever.
One of my favorites of these movies is Garden State.
Here are the deets:
Having just weaned himself off antidepressants, Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff, who also directs) returns to his New Jersey hometown after a decade away to attend his mother’s funeral and slowly begins to see his life in a new light. In the process, he confronts his psychologist father (Ian Holm) and forges a connection with a new friend (Natalie Portman).
Three Reasons Garden State won’t “F” you up:
1. They got stuff. Lots of stuff and there ain’t no hidin’ it. In fact, their baggage is almost ridiculous but somehow it works. Even with their crap they open their hearts to the possibility.
2. I can’t help it! I love the fact that they did not immediately make out, hook up or jump in the sack. There wasn’t all of these weird conditions that kept them apart (like significant others or some other crazy crap Hollywood makes up to give us a reason of why they can’t be together) they just met and you saw a beautiful friendship and attraction build. It still makes me smile.
3. I realize I am pushing it on this one, but I seriously want Zach Braff to create the soundtrack for my life. Besides that I think that he and I should be BFFs, the soundtrack that he created for this movie (as well as Scrubs) is nothing less than brilliant. At the end when they played Let Go, I just about peed my pants I was so emotional. I just sat in my seat. It started a long and true love for Imogen Heap and Frou Frou. Pretty much my favorite singer for the last 6 years.
What do you love about Garden State? What would be on the soundtrack of your life?”
Talk to me.
It may be in a house, a restaurant, a coffee shop or a bar (I think maybe even a few bathrooms), but I have had the conversation many times in my life with many friends. Usually in tears, always in pain they look at me and say the words that I am waiting to hear….”I know, Kira….BUT I love him.” For a long time, I would just look at them, helpless. Offering a hug and ear if they wanted it. Not knowing what I could say because what we are talking about here is love.
Love. This elusive emotion that can make us feel like we are flying and on top on the world when we have found it, yet devastated, hurt and confused when it is not returned to us. When it comes to love, it can feel like we are on this treasure hunt, blindfolded without a treasure map. We spend so many days just walking through life, trying to figure out what love is, where to find it and then by ALL means how to keep it when we do.
All of my friends that I described above, at some point had felt what they know of love and were hooked on the feeling. Jonesin’ for it. Even when what was happening in the relationship didn’t have anything that even resembled love. Cheating, lack of communication, put-downs in public and private always leaving these women feeling crappy, hurt and more lonely than if they were single.
But they love him, right? How could they even thinking about leaving? For some reason we have let that emotion/word excuse bad behavior across the nation. We believe that love will conquer all. That if we try hard enough and love passionately enough if will all work out. We can fix anything with love. Right?
Ladies, here is something you should know about me: I am not your Mom. I am not some Judgey McJudgerson who sits on her computer telling you how to feel, who to love and giving you a bunch of rules to follow. As a coach, I want to help you step outside of yourself (and get out of that head) to see things from different perspectives and make decisions based on your head and your heart. Here is my different perspective for the day.
When you are in the “but I love him” space and excusing behavior that is making you feel AWFUL, you are only using your emotions. The funny thing is the main emotion you are using is not actually love…but fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of walking away from something you worked so hard on. Fear of having to try to find love again and not finding it. Fear of leaving a comfort zone, even if it is a comfort zone that feels like crap. Fear of being unlovable.
Because if it was really love, where is the love for yourself and what you deserve? Where is the love for your fellow women knowing that you allowing this unhealthy behavior is creating a pattern that lets guys think that what they are doing is ok? Where is the love for a healthy balanced relationship that are you are not letting happen by tolerating this crap? Where is the love for that amazing guy who wants to treat you well and is out there looking for you, but can’t find you because you are in this dysfunctional crap? As the Black Eyed Peas asked…”Where is the love?”
Let me tell you ladies. Many times you have to step outside of your relationship and make sure that there is just as much love for you going on as for them. Btw, that should be from them and you. Because without it, you will never have a healthy and balanced relationship. You will always be left sitting there, waiting for someone else to deem you lovable. If you don’t have that love and respect for yourself, it will be hard to get it from someone else. You are going to be waiting a long, long time.
Your Dating Makeover Challenge: When you are in that “sick to your stomach” unhappy feeling (in any kind of relationship), I want you to ask yourself if you are sticking around because of love or fear and what you can do to start changing that.
Remember, that is why I am here….to help.
Today, I want you to take a little trip back in time to when I was in college…way back in the ‘90s. At the beginning of my sophomore year, a guy walked into Dante’s (my cool campus job) and after a malt, cheesy popcorn and lots of witty banter, I was crushin’ pretty hard. The problem was that I only knew his name and a little about him. So, I did what every other lady did back then: used Nancy Drew-like sleuthing skills (that would have impressed the CIA) and got to work. It took about two weeks, but I discovered which dorm he lived in, his major, that he was on swim team and a few other small details. I also found out, with a little help from Lady Luck, that he had a long-time girlfriend at another school. Although I was slightly bummed, it was fun to have a little crush, talk about it with my friends and keep my skills sharp in case the CIA ever did come a knockin’.
Fast forward to now and think about the exact same situation. If I would have met him today, within 10 minutes I would know all the info above, including details like The Hangover is his favorite movie, he is into indie rock and has a love for old school rap, that he no interest in politics and seems to love roller coasters, taco bell and Megan Fox. I would have also seen pics of his friends (kinda dorky), his family dog (cute) as well as what could be his current or ex-girlfriend (boo). If I dig a little deeper, I can find out that he is a regular on gaming sites and loves to debate the evil of mainstream music and the record companies. Plus, it’s easy to find nearly seven different ways to contact him. Without even talking to him, I can follow his daily life and let the crush bloom into full blown smitten.
This is where we buy the ticket for the crazy train.
I’m the first to admit that I’m little addicted to “the Facebook” – and I’ve also joked that I’m dating my Mac, judging by the amount of time I spend with it – but I wonder if this constant availability is really helping us when it comes to dating. Knowing everything about a person – without having more than a 20-minute conversation with him or her – allows our minds to judge (I don’t want to date a gamer) or create unrealistic expectations and hopes for someone we barely know (he loves dogs … I love dogs!). Then, when we don’t get that text, call, e-mail, or instant message, we’re devastated and it does a number on our self-esteem.
It’s not your fault.
Technology has completely changed the way we communicate – and not necessarily for the better. The bigger downside is that your generation has been left to figure it all out. Yay for you!
But technology doesn’t have to ruin your love life. Here are three ways to keep it under control.
1. If you can’t say it face-to-face, don’t text, e-mail, IM or Facebook it. Many times we choose technology as a way to express our deepest feelings because it creates a wall of safety. Not having to see the other persons reactions allow us to feel that rejection won’t hurt as much. However, we’re losing out on the 60% of our communication that happens tough body language. leaving us to take away only our perspective of the “conversation,” which leads to a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings.
Just remember, before you send anything to your crush, make sure that it is something that you could look him or her in the eye and say. Otherwise, save it until you can.
2. Wait to become a “friend.” I was super offended when a guy that I had went on a few dates with didn’t accept my friend request. Hello! We were making out, the least he could do is pretend to like me on Facebook. (Sound familiar?) Once the kissing stopped and we became real friends, I asked him about it and he said that it is too easy to judge and jump to conclusions from someone’s profile and photos. He wanted the people he dated to get to know him – not just what he seemed like on his profile. Smart words.
Extra bonus – it keeps cyber stalking to a minimum and you, off the crazy train.
3. Find time to put away the technology. Seriously. Texting is a severely flawed method of communication – and you end up spending 80% of your time asking your friends, “what do you think that means?” Over-analzying a text message will only drive you crazy. Besides, when you’re constantly talking, texting, listening to your iPod, and working on your laptop, you are missing the real life connections that start great relationships. How can you notice that smile or give someone the “OK” for an approach if you are too busy playing Angry Birds?
In short, it is OK to love your technology….just don’t use your technology for love.
Want to hear more about the complicated world of dating with technology? Help bring Kira to speak at your school and get your own “Dating Coach for a Day! Coolest accessory you can have:)