So I woke up a little salty today. So salty, in fact, that I was just planning on recycling an article from when I started The College Crush when no one was really reading. (Yeah, I sometimes do things like that.)
But something is eating at me today and it keeps showing up from my interns, in articles (see the genius article from Tiffany this morning),and in my life, and I always take that as a sign that I need to purge something. So here I am. Vomiting out my thoughts for your entertainment.
So, you may know me on here as Kira, The Dating Makeover Coach. Or CAO (Chief Awesome Officer) of The College Crush. Or the lady who weirdly shares A LOT of information about her past relationships. Yup, I am “that girl” too. But I don’t think I have introduced you to the person I am who I am not so proud of. One that you might relate to or at least have seen in other people.
Hello, my name is Kira and I am a Runner.
No, not the healthy kind like in marathons and crap. The other kind. Let me explain.
I am so many great things. Smart, funny, independent, confident and have really, really good hair when I want to. But you know the saying “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”? That is not me.
When it comes to relationships, and even sometimes life, I am more “When the going gets tough, I get going…. out the door.” True story.
In the past, when I didn’t like my life, I just up and changed things. Now, this is not all bad. There are some very good parts to being able to step back in your life and see what you are not liking and change it, instead of getting stuck there. In some ways it is one of my best qualities. Because of that trait I have traveled the world, met incredible people, kissed fascinating men, and really feel like I have lived.
Yet, when it comes to love and relationships I have not boded so well. As usual, I have a story for this and this one is probably one of the toughest.
Not too soon after college I re-connected with my first love. I talk about it a little bit here to give you some background. He had broken my heart but it was also high school, long distance and we always had this connection like we were tied together by some invisible string. Even when we weren’t together, we were never really apart. So, when we started talking again it felt like going home.
The re-connection was quick and easy and it took no time at all to resurrect those 16-year-old feelings. However, we were about 1,000 miles away and it had been a few years since we had seen each other. Soon, he was bringing up us meeting halfway to see if something was really still there (not an unnatural thing since I pretty much thought he was “the one” at the time.) Side note: I don’t believe in”the one” now, but we can talk about that at a later time.
So when he asked to meet up, I got nervous. Like wanting to vomit when I thought about it nervous.
I reached deep into my purse and found my ticket to the crazy train. My mind starting letting the fear, instead of love, in. What if I wasn’t as cool in real life? What if he started to see “my stuff”? What if he didn’t find me attractive? What if he just didn’t like me?
So, when he also started getting a little nervous (which is going to happen, because guys get scared, too) I did what I do best: I got the hell out of there. I pushed him away. I got bitchy. I freaked out on him and made sure he didn’t want to see me again. Ever. And when I came to my senses a few months later and called him trying to recreate the connection again it was too late. He had already moved on to someone else. (Don’t worry though, it didn’t hurt much because I was so numb from it that I shut it away in my heart pretending I didn’t really care.) It wasn’t until I wanted to get emotionally healthy years later when I started doing some self work and looking at my past relationships and why they didn’t work out. Then, it f*cking hurt like a b*tch.
I think it is all beautiful and life coach-ey to say that we should a live a life without regrets. I would never take back all that I am and the road that got me here. But I do regret this. I still wonder what my life could have been with him because I think there were a lot of possibilities there that I have not seen very many times.
It turns out, as I have looked back at my relationships over the years, I realize that a lot of the time I had one foot out the door, ready to bolt when things got scary or tough. When things were good I was always just waiting for the other shoe to drop. (How many foot/shoe sayings are there?) I was just waiting for them to disappoint me or hurt me. Say the wrong thing. Not rise to my unrealistic expectations. Because then, they would be proving my deepest darkest fears right. Proving somewhere deep in me, that I was unloveable or at least not relationship-friendly.
But here is the truth ladies, I guarantee at some point they are going to say the wrong thing. They are also going to disappoint you. There will be fights, miscommunications and crap that will hurt. But with the right person, it will be worth it. It will be worth the tough talks, the awkward silences and uncomfortable moments. Because only in the kind of relationships where you let the raw and beautiful imperfections show, do you get to grow as a person and create something real. That is when the good stuff really begins.
So today, I wrote this to say as I move forward with life and love I want to make a promise to you and I hope you will step back, look to see if this is showing up in your life, and join me.
I promise that I will do my best to not buy into this fear anymore. I promise to not let the small things show up and to leave because it is hard or uncomfortable. I promise to accept love as much as I give it even when I don’t know if I deserve it. I promise to not live in the past or overthink the future. I promise to let you know when I feel like I want to default into my old habits so that you can be there to remind me of how amazing you are. I promise to retrain myself for you because you (and I) are worth it.
Ladies, is it time that you unpack your bags with me? If you have found someone great, c’mon…. let’s stay awhile.
Photo found on http://lzndraaa.tumblr.com/page/26