I quit the “bad boy” type (actually my type was more the moody/lazy type) about three years back, and have been dating my own Nice Guy ever since. It was a great decision. If I do say so myself. I’ve come up with a checklist to think about when you’re looking to see if your Nice Guy relationship has long-term potential. The fact that he’s nice is a huge plus, but there are a few other key components that a relationship should have if you want to make it last. For example:
1.) He’s a person on his own: It’s great when a guy wants to spend a lot of time with you, but in order for a relationship to become long-term it’s essential that your guy is confident enough to do his own thing. He needs to have his own hobbies and interests. And those hobbies and interests shouldn’t be hanging out with you, texting you, and writing on your Facebook wall. He needs to have some sort of motivation and passion in life.
2.) He lets you be a person: Your guy should feel stable enough in the relationship that he doesn’t need to text you every ten minutes when you’re out with friends or at work. The best kinds of relationships are ones where each individual could have a happy life on his/her own, but they make each other better and happier when they’re together. If you’re in a relationship where you rely on each other for entertainment or confidence, then the relationship won’t last very long. You need to be free to pursue your own friendships, career, and interests. A great guy will encourage you to do these things and won’t worry about where you are, or who you’re with.
3.) He thinks you’re equals: I’m a huge fan of that super ’90s song “She’s So High”, but I don’t think that song is a good mantra for a relationship. You don’t want to be with someone who thinks that he is gracing you with his presence. That’s pretty obvious. But you also don’t want to be with a guy who constantly tells you that he is unworthy of dating you and that you are out of his league. It’s cute for a few weeks. It’s flattering too. But after a while, his lack of confidence in himself is unattractive and kind of unnerving. It can also lead to a lack of trust because he’s so convinced that you’ll get swept away by some Brad Pitt look-alike. You want to be with someone who views himself as your equal, but who also knows that he is lucky to have you.
4.) He’ll work for your relationship: No matter how much you love your Nice Guy, there are going to be times when you just want to punch him in the face. You shouldn’t actually do that, but it’s okay to get frustrated. These moments are not the ones that people write about on Facebook or tweet about. Usually Facebook statuses are only reserved for lovey-dovey times. But fights happen. A key sign of the health of the relationship is how you handle fights. Does he let you steamroll over him and his ideas just to get the fight over with? Does he storm out and refuse to discuss the problem? A big chunk of a relationship’s success can be attributed to how much effort both people are willing to put in. You have to be equally committed to talking things out, really spelling out how you’re feeling, and listening even when you want to interrupt and scream, “YOU’RE WRONG! UGH! YOU’RE SO WRONG!”If you both give up at the first sign of trouble then you’re screwed. But if you’re both willing to work it out even when it’s frustrating, then you have a much greater chance of making things work for the long haul.
5.) He’s at least moderately easy-going: My friend’s ex-boyfriend used to FREAK OUT OVER EVERYTHING! If that guy’s life were a book it would be written in all capital letters. His constant state of tension and drama over small things did not make for a very nice relationship. Not to mention the fact that my friend was scared to change plans or her mind for fear of upsetting her guy. A long-term relationship needs flexibility. I’m not saying you need to date Mr. Zen, but you need a guy who won’t get upset if you have to work late, fly home for a weekend, etc. And you should give him that same flexibility in return.
Even if you’re not looking for a Kardashian-sized rock anytime soon (sorry, I’ve got Kim and Kris on the brain) it’s always good to know the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. He refuses to watch Toddlers and Tiaras with you? It’s okay, I need a viewing partner. I’ll watch it with you. Your relationship can still be great even if you don’t like all the same shows. He lets you be yourself? A great strength and a huge sign of long-term potential. Hope you’re enjoying The Year of the Nice Guy. Let me know how’s it going.