How To: Stop Throwing Pity Parties

Last night – well technically this morning after getting back to my apartment – I laid out on the floor, put on Adele and cried. Why you ask? I’m not sure, just felt the need to have a minor pity party. Normally something I wouldn’t be too concerned with, except I have been crying myself into oblivion for the past week, watching really bad romantic comedies – the kind that make you hate your life and attempt self sabotage (not suicide just late night booty calls with people you should not have in your phone).

I’m setting up the pity, so I can party. The party has a short guess list – just me, limited food and beverage options (white wine and chocolate frosting) and the entertainment is pretty narrow consisting of songs that make you cry and movies that make you doubt your existence as a single person.

I know I’m not alone, we all go through those dark times where getting out of your bed is the hardest task you will ever be faced with. And seeing people on a day-to-day basis is starting to make you run for cover. It happens and once you have one little pity party, it just balloons out from there.

But, like coach says in New Girl, “Stop it! Stop it!!!” Snap out of your funk, no one likes a Debbie downer and the longer you give in to your doubting ways the longer you will just assume it’s okay to act like a sad hermit crab…and it really isn’t. It’s just not healthy. So starting today, you, me and anyone else out there who is throwing themselves a sad flag party is going to quit it. We’re going to – deep breath – go out there and meet people. Talk to people instead of hiding away and talking to our friends in romantic comedies (well more like throwing things at their face and screaming, “WHY?!” ….same thing). No more feeling sorry for yourself –  it’s fall..and we need to start getting a little bit happier. Got it?

Step 1: Throw away all left over food and beverage from pity party. Well maybe finish the wine if there is some left because that really shouldn’t go to waste.

Step 2: Remove all romantic comedy paraphernalia or anything that could snap you back in to your funk. This may include, but is not limited to: pictures of Ex’s, Ex’s Facebook profiles (hide them now before you finish this article and then come back and finish reading), the cat sweatshirt your grandma sent you last Christmas and really anything that could make you a tad bit sad needs to be hidden under your bed (or in your closet..anywhere out of sight will do).

Step 3: Go to your local book store and buy Bossy Pants. It’s funny and will make you laugh so hard you may pee. It will also give you some inspiration to stop laying in bed all day. (Bossy Pants may be substituted with any funny book you can think of/enjoy -it’s just my favorite get me out of a rut novel.)

Step 4: Join the real world. Text a friend to hang out, go for a walk among the living or head to the mall (my happy place). Do something where you are around people and can actually interact with them.

Being part of a pity party for one is not the ideal way to spend your first weeks of school, so get out there and join a club or talk to someone new in your class. Just remember to have some fun.

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About the Author,

Over the past four years I've been collecting a few million how not to date stories, mostly from the hundreds of blind first dates I've gone on. My friends have even dubbed me the MVP of dating, and after you strike out as many times as I have you learn a thing or two (i.e. Never get extra onions on your burger during a first date if you want a romantic kiss.)