How To: Tell Him He’s Not Doing It Right

I’m always reading articles in Cosmo about perfecting “the art of the blow job.”  And maybe I’m just selfish but uh, doesn’t it take two to “perfect” the horizontal tango? Also, I don’t imagine GQ is giving tips for men on mastering a southern French kiss.

Since when did sex become just about pleasing him (or her)? Shouldn’t it be beneficial for all parties involved?

I bring this up because I recently discovered how much better it is when you do. For years, I was faking it, hoping he would magically move a little to the right. All this time. not knowing that if I just opened my mouth and told him he would fix it. But I didn’t, and I carried on like Meg Ryan in her infamous restaurant scene pretending everything was fine.

Then, one late night, while I was doing the nasty, my guy stopped me and preceded to tell me he didn’t like what I was doing (don’t worry I’ll spare you the details). At first, I was a little ticked, actually I was really p.o’ed. For about 6 months we had been having sex and I had been faking it the entire time. Who was he to tell me what to do?! So I pushed him off of me, got dressed and left.

The next day I realized the opportunity he had given me, now I could tell him all the things he needed to fix. So I went back over, apologized for leaving, and let him have it.

I told him everything that I didn’t like about what he was doing, along with what I had wanted him to do for the past six months.  He wasn’t mad. In all honesty, it looked like he was taking mental notes…. as in he wanted to make sure I was enjoying it just as much as he had been.

I was a little shocked, when after I had taken a second to breathe he said, “Go on,” looking at me with learning (read: hungry) eyes.  He was enjoying this! So, more confidently this time, I rattled off the things I’d been dying to try with him.

Not only was he up for trying them all, he was excited for it.  I know, shocker.  Yeah, the whole open communication thing, not just a myth…. it actually works. Big time works.

So, here’s how to open your communication:

Step 1: Approach the topic delicately. Although most guys will be all for getting you to the big O, it wouldn’t hurt to ease into why they aren’t getting you there already.

Step 2: Be honest and straight foreword. Don’t kind of tell your significant other what they are doing wrong/what they should be doing. Be direct. No one wants to have the same talk over and over again, especially if you’re repeating how he or she still isn’t getting it right.

Step 3: Listen. They might have some pointers to give you, too.

Step 4: Be prepared to do a little give and take. Nothing in a relationship, let alone a sexual one, is ever going to be perfect — but you sure as heck should try to make it enjoyable for everyone.

Just make sure you don’t wait six months, or worse  yet, three years, to speak up.


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About the Author,

Over the past four years I've been collecting a few million how not to date stories, mostly from the hundreds of blind first dates I've gone on. My friends have even dubbed me the MVP of dating, and after you strike out as many times as I have you learn a thing or two (i.e. Never get extra onions on your burger during a first date if you want a romantic kiss.)