It may be in a house, a restaurant, a coffee shop or a bar (I think maybe even a few bathrooms), but I have had the conversation many times in my life with many friends. Usually in tears, always in pain they look at me and say the words that I am waiting to hear….”I know, Kira….BUT I love him.” For a long time, I would just look at them, helpless. Offering a hug and ear if they wanted it. Not knowing what I could say because what we are talking about here is love.
Love. This elusive emotion that can make us feel like we are flying and on top on the world when we have found it, yet devastated, hurt and confused when it is not returned to us. When it comes to love, it can feel like we are on this treasure hunt, blindfolded without a treasure map. We spend so many days just walking through life, trying to figure out what love is, where to find it and then by ALL means how to keep it when we do.
All of my friends that I described above, at some point had felt what they know of love and were hooked on the feeling. Jonesin’ for it. Even when what was happening in the relationship didn’t have anything that even resembled love. Cheating, lack of communication, put-downs in public and private always leaving these women feeling crappy, hurt and more lonely than if they were single.
But they love him, right? How could they even thinking about leaving? For some reason we have let that emotion/word excuse bad behavior across the nation. We believe that love will conquer all. That if we try hard enough and love passionately enough if will all work out. We can fix anything with love. Right?
Ladies, here is something you should know about me: I am not your Mom. I am not some Judgey McJudgerson who sits on her computer telling you how to feel, who to love and giving you a bunch of rules to follow. As a coach, I want to help you step outside of yourself (and get out of that head) to see things from different perspectives and make decisions based on your head and your heart. Here is my different perspective for the day.
When you are in the “but I love him” space and excusing behavior that is making you feel AWFUL, you are only using your emotions. The funny thing is the main emotion you are using is not actually love…but fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of walking away from something you worked so hard on. Fear of having to try to find love again and not finding it. Fear of leaving a comfort zone, even if it is a comfort zone that feels like crap. Fear of being unlovable.
Because if it was really love, where is the love for yourself and what you deserve? Where is the love for your fellow women knowing that you allowing this unhealthy behavior is creating a pattern that lets guys think that what they are doing is ok? Where is the love for a healthy balanced relationship that are you are not letting happen by tolerating this crap? Where is the love for that amazing guy who wants to treat you well and is out there looking for you, but can’t find you because you are in this dysfunctional crap? As the Black Eyed Peas asked…”Where is the love?”
Let me tell you ladies. Many times you have to step outside of your relationship and make sure that there is just as much love for you going on as for them. Btw, that should be from them and you. Because without it, you will never have a healthy and balanced relationship. You will always be left sitting there, waiting for someone else to deem you lovable. If you don’t have that love and respect for yourself, it will be hard to get it from someone else. You are going to be waiting a long, long time.
Your Dating Makeover Challenge: When you are in that “sick to your stomach” unhappy feeling (in any kind of relationship), I want you to ask yourself if you are sticking around because of love or fear and what you can do to start changing that.
Remember, that is why I am here….to help.