If I had a quarter for every time I heard someone say, “the right person will come along when you stop looking,” I wouldn’t be rich, but I would definitely have enough cash for my favorite iced caramel macchiato (with an extra shot) from Starbucks. So when my intern, Marysa, brought this quote up to me over the weekend, asking what it means and if it is even true, I promised to break it down for you today (add beat box sound effects here).
Let me start off by saying that I am not as big of a lover of quotes as it seems the rest of the world is. Yes, I do love when something thought provoking quote comes across my twitter feed and I ponder for a second and think, “yes, that is interesting, I should remember that.” By the way, I never do. But I like how they can occasionally slip into my day and remind me of something happy, beautiful or insightful.
Here is where it all gets a little sketchy for me. The saltiness starts when I am having a conversation with someone and they turn out to be one of those “quoters.” You know these people: no matter what we are talking about they always jump in with a little quip or adage that kinda applies to the situation. The usual lead in is “you know what they say….” And then they share a quote that Benjamin Franklin probably said in 1755, with a smug smile on their face.
I tend to look at them with a blank look on my face trying to understand how “the early bird gets its worm” applies to the fact that my cat just puked on my favorite shirt and I am not sure how to get the stain out. And here is what really frustrates me: who the hell is “they” and why am I supposed to listen to them? “They” seem to be judgy and make cryptic statements. They are not the boss of me! They don’t own me!
Especially when it comes to love, I find that people start to throw me a quote instead of really participating in the conversation. Maybe it is because they don’t have the answers (I mean, love is confusing) and quotes make them seem like they do. But to me, I feel like they are not truly participating in the conversation – that they are not taking the time to think about the situation and how to respond to it. Instead, they are giving me a knee jerk response that seems more comfortable to them than an answer that they had to do some deep digging on.
Thank you for making it through that soapbox moment with me.
So, when someone flippantly throws out there one of my faves “the right person will come along when you stop looking.” I tend to snarl a little. After years of looking at people and saying, “what does that even mean?” Since, I don’t think you find love sitting on your couch, eating half baked ice cream, watching the movie Once over and over. Believe me, I have tried this and it does not work. To keep my sanity every time I hear this, I decided to figure it out my version for myself and now I want to share the genius with you.
Here’s what I got. It is not so much about looking or not, it is about this: when we start to create a love and happiness in ourselves, fill our life with amazing people that support and appreciate us, do things that we are passionate about and take care of ourselves then we are usually not in that “I need a boyfriend now!” state that scares the good ones away. When we are in that desperate or needy place (by the way, you may be thinking you are hiding how much you want love, but your body language gives you away every time). It attracts the players and guys that just don’t have what you need. So you feel stuck, more rejected and throwing your fists to the sky shouting, “where is he?”
Yet, when we stop focusing on “what is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want to love me?” and all of the toxic crap that can go through our pretty little heads and start focusing on our own lives, our friends, passions creating the life that we want, That is when amazing people show up. Because when you are happy you have a glow that can’t be hidden and people will want to be around that. Good people, datable people.