I admit it and I am not proud.
I like Bad Boys.
No, I don’t like tattoos. I am pretty accident-prone, so motorcycles scare the hell out of me. I think black leather is a bit cheesy. Piercings? All I can say is Ouch!
For years, I had this image in my head of what a bad boy looks like and because I never dated anyone who looked like the above description (OK, there was one tattooed guy when I was in my early 20′s) I thought I wasn’t dating bad boys. I was wrong.
Turns out, bad boys are everywhere and they may be disguising themselves as normal guys you go to class with, study with and hang out with every day. They could be frat guys, hot jocks, soulful musicians, passionate artists and even the cute nerds. Wait! If even the cute nerdy guys can be bad boys, is there any hope?
Why yes, yes there is. Kira story happening….now.
My type of “bad boy” was disguised as the passionate, creative, wicked smart, funny as hell, cute guys. Witty banter flowed like boxed wine and I always got a little stumbly when they would go into their 10 minute soliloquy on what they were really passionate about–usually music. They made me laugh, think and smile. They led me through some of the most romantic and swooning moments of my life. (Can we say Chuck Bass anyone?)
You are probably thinking….wait! I like that kind of guy too.
What I am forgetting to mention (and loved to ignore) is that along with these fun qualities they also were brooding, narcissistic, non-confrontational, non-communicators, completely emotionally unavailable and were a little lost. But don’t worry ladies….I thought I could save them and kept trying over and over, thinking I was the exception. I was the one who could change them.
So in between the rare swooning moments, they took me on the constant roller coaster ride of wondering where we stood, how they felt and what the f*ck was happening. One moment we were all about each other, the next I didn’t hear from them for days. Always left feeling sad, confused, frustrated and lonely.
But let me be clear here. After years, I have realized that these “bad boys” are not actually bad. Just like women are not actually b*tches. They were truly great guys who didn’t mean to hurt me or lead me on. They just hadn’t worked out there own stuff to be able to give back what I needed. Somewhere along the way they were not given a positive environment to share their feelings and they didn’t know what to do to be in a successful relationship. Funny thing is many of them even warned me that they were not in a place for a relationship. I didn’t care….I believed that “Love Conquers All!!!” Um…..so heads up. That is bullsh*t.
They were not in a place in their life where they had much to give and it was me who unconsciously settled for that in my mind. Staying around way too long waiting for them to realize how kick ass I was. Talking all of my friends ears off on “why would he do/say that?” or “what does that even mean?” I was the perfect victim in the world of my own creation.
After a long time of this I had pretty much given up. I started to do some of my own work on why I was attracted to emotionally unavailable guys but still came up with the idea that I was not “relationship friendly.” Yes, I get the irony in that since I am a dating coach.
Then something kind of amazing happened. I met the “nice guy.” The type of guy that had showed up many times through my life and I pretty much ignored since I was too busy grabbing on to the instant and dangerous chemistry that was exciting and going nowhere of the bad boy.
At first, I just liked the smart conversations, which were refreshing, fascinating and thought provoking.
Next, he did something absolutely crazy….he started asking me questions and listened to the answers! What was this???
Then, he kept showing up when he said he would. Making efforts to call, going out of his way to spend time with me (even when it wasn’t easy) noticing when I needed to be heard and always sticking around when I was feeling uncomfortable, until I did.
Here is the delicious stuff. With this new support and kindness, I was different. A better version of me. I was changing before my eyes. I was able to give more than I thought I could. I was better at my work. I laughed more. I worried less. I gave compliments, hugs and love more easily. I smiled a lot. I started becoming the person that I always knew was deep in me but too scared of getting hurt to come out.
My life is forever changed in a beautiful way. All because of this one nice guy.
He did not change me. He just gave me the love and support so I could change myself.
Ladies, in the next couple of weeks we are going to be rolling out a whole new bucket of challenges for you that will be lasting for the entire school year. The College Crush is declaring 2011-2012 “The Year of the Nice Guy!” Ladies, there are men all over your campus who want to like you, listen to you and be great with you. You just have to find them and actually recognize them.
Watch out for announcements starting next week to get over your Bad Boy fix and start creating real relationships with “The Nice Guy.”
“Stop making NICE a 4- letter word.”
Photo found on http://anylove.tumblr.com/