What I wish I knew…

I was reading Glamour the other day in the airport and a particular article caught my attention. It was called, ‘The Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 21.” Immediately, I was intrigued.  I lay confident in my mind that as a 20something-year-old I basically know nothing in a blissful sense that I am naive and overly analytical. Therefore, this article really hit home for me. Of course, the “things” she wished she’d known at a ripe 20something age were examples like: Constantly making excuses for the guy you’re with, over-analyzing, always feeling the need to be going, going, going. But my favorite little tid-bit of 20something attributes was a more sex-y issue.  The basis of the argument was:

What I wish I knew when I was 20something: sleeping with someone doesn’t give you power – not sleeping with him does.

Isn’t this so true? And why haven’t I captured this philosophy before? (Probably has something to do with me being a 20something…) In college, it is an embedded philosophy that “sleeping with him” is part of the game. Although it is not my style, some practice “the third date rule,” some wake up beside a guy in bed and rush out as soon as they possibly can. But that is beside the point: whatever you do is your own thang girlfriend. It is the guy you are dating where this “sleeping power” seeps in.  The word of the day is: dating.

I have toyed with the idea that people hook-up in college because they are insecure and that need for power is pumping through their veins. Power in making their own decisions and having comfort in knowing they are attractive and important enough to be wanted and needed in (any sort) of relationship.  That power in sleeping with somebody also transfers to power over the other person.

For women, we all know a certain emotional attachment springs into effect after we sleep with a man. But if I do not sleep with him, that means I am going to lose him? Is he going to leave me if we don’t do this right now? If we aren’t having sex, will he will find it somewhere else? I think young woman believe sleeping with a man is going to rope them in and keep them around forever.

But no kiddies, that is not the case. Trust me, I’ve been there. He does not stick around all the time for Season Two.  Same goes for our male-counterpart. Men could not entirely rope a woman in by having sex with them (even considering the emotional attachment).

Therefore, my argument is, no, sleeping with someone does not give you the power.  Not sleeping with him will keep him around. And if it doesn’t?

Why do you want a man that will leave you to find a humping object somewhere else anyway?

If anything, you completely lose the power of keeping him around once you have slept with him.  Not sleeping with him gives you a tight grasp on the power you have to control what you want to do with your body and how and when and how you want to share that intimacy with him, considering the time is right and you will not risk being hurt. I am not saying you have to set up a personal brigade against being sexually active. You can do whatever you please with your lady-bits and your sheets. But don’t use sex as sense of power. It can be selfish for both parties.

When you want any sense of power, keep the sex at minimum. Keep the mystery alive. If the man will stick around sans the sex for a while, you know he is worthwhile.  And you still have that intimate part of yourself to save for another.


Guest post blogger Brittany Chaffee

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About the Author,

real. college. love. advice...by really smart people.