You’re sitting in absolute bliss, when – seemingly out of nowhere – there’s a trigger. The trigger is a something; a person/place/thing/sentence/word that creates a feeling of unease and anger in you and just like that, you go from happy, confident, radiating you to angry, bitter, not-so-self-assured you. And it hurts. A lot. And what’s worse is that it doesn’t only hurt you, but it also hurts the handsome boy you’re with.
When that trigger hits, we allow our minds to go into overdrive, which in turn causes our body to respond. We get a choked throat or a pit in our stomach and an anxious feeling whose adrenaline further causes us to think unsound thoughts and say un-thought-out words. What intensifies the issue is when our partner doesn’t respond to us the way we want him to, the argument then becoming about his approach (or lack thereof) and no longer about the initial trigger that hit this once-hidden resentment, vulnerability and weakness.
Our men shouldn’t have to pay for our overly active thoughts, especially when we don’t invite them in to take part (and correct) them for us. But we do it simply because many of us are queens of avoidance. We avoid because we are trained at a young age (and through movies and TV shows and mags) that if we complain, and confess how we really feel to our other half, showing just how much we care, just how easy we are to break, etc., then it will push him away. Not only do we fear rejection, but we don’t want to make a ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’ out of ourselves, each ‘issue’ becoming a ‘lesser than’ in his eyes. So instead, we keep mum, stay silent, and – in hopes to be that cool, carefree, guys’ guy of a girlfriend – we sacrifice our authenticity, and hit at his, one long silence at a time.
Our actions of putting up a wall, pulling back and saying ‘nothing’s wrong’ after the fifth (or so) time he’s asked (when something clearly is), in turn makes him feel rejected, because he knows something is wrong and with his efforts not being recognized, his wall goes up too. He pulls back to protect himself and we end up putting our boyfriends in the same miserable state we are in: Needing reassurance. Feeling rejected. Fearing what will come of this fight. At unease. And angry.
Tell you what ladies, tell him how it is. Something he said bothered you. An old item you found at his place got you down. No matter what the issue, a healthy relationship is one with an honest flow of communication, with no reserves. And if he’s the type of guy who thinks these ‘little things’ that keep arising shouldn’t be issues, perhaps there is a larger issue and that’s your decision to be with him.
In the end, the trigger that started it all becomes irrelevant, but what is relevant is that you are feeling the way you are feeling and in order to deal with it, you need a partner who will hold your hand, listen and give feedback in return and who won’t roll over and tell you you’re overreacting.
- Jenny Jen