The Mystery of the Sweatpants

It’s the perfect Saturday afternoon. I’m lying in my all-white bed, watching Marilyn Monroe in Gentleman Prefer Blondes, in a pair of over-sized, comfy sweat pants. The funny thing is, I don’t know where they came from. All I know is that they are gray, Nike, and they are a men’s large. I look at the tag for clues, hoping to find someones last name written on them so I can Sherlock Holmes my way out of this mystery, but no such luck. One thing’s for sure and that’s that they came from a guys place, likely given to me in the early a.m. hours to avoid the obviously evident walk of shame.

Whose sweatpants are you currently wearing? What is the history behind the pairs of sweats in your closet? Every pair has got a story and I got to tell you, I’m starting to think we are all a part of the Six Degrees of Separation, the sweatpants edition. Please note: The word ‘sweatpants’ can be interchanged with the word ‘hoody’ at any time.

When I realized that I couldn’t solve my mystery, I got out of bed, walked towards my overly full walk-in closet, and went to grab my favorite pair of thin gray sweats – a pair that I can proudly say are my own. To my surprise, they weren’t there. Knowing I couldn’t blame the cleaning lady for stealing them, I started to wonder where they were last seen. Then it hit me. I’d given them to a boy to avoid his walk of shame (also to make his time here a little more cozy then the fitted, how-did-you-button-those-up-in-the-first-place kind of jeans). When I went to grab another pair, I realized the same boy had those too. I sent him a Blackberry message that read as follows: “The sweatpant police called to inquire about a couple pairs of missing sweatpants.” He laughed in typical LOL fashion, and I continued, “There’s a reward if you find them and return them to the rightful owner.” You can imagine the rest of the conversation, but needless to say, rest assured, the sweats will be returned. I had however been alerted by him that he’s been wearing ‘em around for a number of weeks. I’m not surprised. Who could blame him? That is the thing with over-sized gray sweats, anything goes.

I always wore this one pair of sweats of my exes. They were gray, Roots and over-sized perfection. He admitted to me that he got them from a one night stand, and that the girl took them from her brother to give to my ex. I once wore them out to breakfast with him and we ran into the girl. I’m sure she took note. I know I did, and I laugh because I know a guy who is walking around town in one of my former flames sweatpants, and he has no idea.

Now lets discuss choices: I’ve chatted with some girlfriends and we realized that between all of us, we have never been given a pair of NICE pants to wear home. They are always old school not so trendy sweats, something like Champion, Reebok, Nike, Roots or no-name. Do men keep their old ratty sweats around so they can pass them off to a girl without looking like a dick, but without having to see her again to get them back? I’m onto you boys. I don’t want your class of ’99 sweats, I want the goods.

A Saturday activity for the ladies:

- Look through your closet and scope out the blasts from the pasts of clothing. Do you have a pair of men’s boxers, over-sized American Apparel sweat shirts, etc? Why are you keeping them? Do you still walk around the house in his sweatpants, shamelessly? Wear his sweatshirt because you’re just certain it smells like him still (even though its been three months and you’ve worn it almost nightly as if it’s a nighttime uniform?
- Make a list of people who have your clothing, and then from there make a family tree style page of the history of where they originated.
- Spring cleaning anyone? Out with the old and in with the new, bitches. Move forward and rid yourself of the band t-shirt from the guy you hooked up with two years ago. I’m sure there’s a donation drop off close by. Make someone else’s day as you move forward with yours.

I need to finish this off by saying the guy who currently has a couple pairs of my sweats (as discussed above) once had a great idea. He was noticing a pattern of taxing my sweats and offered me money so I can pick up a bunch of sweats for him to have in stock. We thought a Costco five pack. Not such a bad idea when I come to think of it. You can never have too many pairs of the gray sweatpant.

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About the Author,

Jen Kirsch spent three of her first four years in College in a relationship. In her fourth, she let go of the idea of monogamy and did some very valuable “research”. This research has allowed her to make a name for herself as the go-to relationship expert, columnist and blogger in Canada. Her quick wit and all too honest tone (and background in broadcast journalism) make Jenny Jen the perfect role model for us college kids who need some advice from a best friend when our best friend doesn’t have the guts to say what we really need to her. Her blog Blonde, Bronzed, Twentysomething has the answers (and anecdotes) to everything and anything on your mind. Can we say twentysomething Carrie Bradshaw, anyone?