Things I Learned Watching Kourtney & Kim Take New York

I will admit it. I’m a traitor to society. I am one of the many internet advocates that would be ecstatic if Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kris, Bruce, Rob, Kendall, Kylie, and their hanger ons (Brittny Gastineau, LALA, Jonathan Cheben, Simon Huck, and even Pastor Brad) would disappear with their bags on money like D.B. Cooper. We won’t come looking for you. We won’t attempt to locate you when you have new identities. Just take the money you’ve “earned” from your reality shows, photo appearances, and licensing deals and be gone. That being said, I relapsed and was suckered into watching the premiere of Season 2 of Kourtney & Kim Take New York.The show started with a title card that read “8 Weeks Earlier” and clearly is setting the audience up for a front seat of the K&K marriage implosion. I figured, I’m I’m going to watch this scripted nonsense, I might as well try to learn from the Kardashian’s mistakes so I don’t end up crying into my gold-plated Hermes china all by myself. This is the perfect course in “The Anti-Rules” and I am taking notes. So, from Season 2, Episode 1 here is the wisdom that was imparted to me.

1) When You’re A Newlywed, Live By Yourselves
Regardless of which coast you end up on or what five-star hotel you shack up in, when you’re a newlywed, you need your space. Mason’s playroom being five feet from Kim & Kris’s bedroom obviously limited the amount of times that they could get freaky. And Kris was very vocal about that. (spoiler alert!) When Scott leaves, Kris confides in Kourtney that he can’t live with two crazy ladies (e.g. Kim & Kourt) and a baby. It’s Day 2 and Humphries clearly wants out since he has no privacy with his new bride. He has no idea that in eight weeks he will have more privacy than he ever fathomed and that no one would even remember he exists.

2) Just Because You Just Got Hitched, Doesn’t Mean You Can Leave Your Career In A Ditch
Up until a few days ago, there was an NBA Lockout (so I’m told. I don’t really follow sports). Humphries was more concerned about working on his fitness instead of going to red carpet events and whoring it up with the media. He knows that if he isn’t jacked, he might not get picked up by a team at the end of the lockout, but Princess Kim wants him to be there to help cut the cake. Finally, Kim realizes that she shouldn’t be selfish for once and that she should be concerned about his career and gives him a pass to go train in Minnesota even though they will be back to their long distance relationship routine. I’ve got to give Kim props for giving half of a shit about someone else, but hello…RED FLAG! You got married like a day ago and you already can’t live together? It took you 72 days to figure that out? Clearly someone didn’t get their GED.

3) Messes
People make messes y’all! And Kim is having a really hard time dealing with Kris’s. She’s on Kris’s case about being sloppy in their town home hotel suite. Bare with me…but I think this is metaphoric foreshadowing for the “mess” their marriage becomes. Maybe if she could have seen the footage, she could have seen the signs. Damn the editing process.
4) Oil Enemas Make Men More Tolerable
Kourtney is a fan of holistic spa treatments and her favorite, is an oil enema. While, I’m not going to discuss things that are and are not appropriate to place up your rear (that’s completely a personal call) they seem to help her. She essentially has to take care of Mason alone and has to deal with Patrick Bateman aka baby daddy Scott, but Kourt has been cool, calm, and collected. In fact, she’s rarely been expressing any emotion lately. So maybe this is an alternative to Lexapro & Klonopin. If you’re starting to feel anxiety, give an oil enema a try!

So those are my thoughts on the KKTNY episode tonight. Now that they have expanded episodes to a full hour, if I don’t learn anything – even if it’s how not to act in every aspect of my life, it’d be a complete waste of my time. Did YOU guys watch the show? What did YOU think? Did YOU learn any lessons or was it as useful as having one of explain calculus to you?
XO,
Wannabe

Photo found on http://dawnali.com/celebritygossip/2011/09/14/news-anchor-mocks-kardashians/