Want Love? Ask For It!

Recently, I started talking over champagne (where all good conversations start) with an old friend about a recent article about love that had gone wrong. My friend, who was around during “the Tyler era,” pondered our conversation and said, “What DID happen there? You guys definitely had a connection and you were crazy about him.”

With champagne thoughts and a heavy heart, I reminded her that he had met someone else around the same time and had chosen her. I forced myself to have a grown up moment and added that he seems really happy with his wife and I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Then she said something that has had my head spinning for days… “Did you ever tell him how you felt?”

(Please add sound of car coming to a screeching halt!)

Huh?!?

What was this logic she was bestowing on me? You mean I was actually supposed to tell him that I was crazy about him? That I had wanted him to stay? That I wanted to see if we could take this amazing connection and witty banter, that was so good that it could stop time, to the next level? That there were options and I was one of them?

I spent the next couple days in a Tyler haze thinking back to this guy and our “thing” and all of the time that I spent feeling rejected and sad that he had chosen someone else over me. At the time I was devastated. I recovered by making the very mature decision to date a mutual friend while secretly pining for Tyler the whole time. I rock, right?

Looking at it now, I have no idea how it would have turned out. Tyler very well could have chosen his current adorable wife and things could have played out the exact same way EXCEPT I would know in my heart of hearts that I actually gave it a shot. Played the game instead of watching from the sidelines, a victim in this story I made up in my head about being dumped. I was never dumped….I never even let myself even be considered.

After further evaluation, I realized that this was a pattern for guys I really cared about. Whether it was guy friends that I had mad crushes on or boys I was kissing and actually wanted it to be more, I found it so much easier to just sit around and hope that they liked me. I was waiting for that romantic movie moment where they blurt out their feelings in a fumbling Michael Cera-esque type of fashion making sure to include an adorable listing of “all the things they loved about me” monologue being the perfect amount of qualities that make me feel smart, funny and pretty.

After years of waiting…it turns out that doesn’t really happen because usually they are just as nervous as I am about being vulnerable. They are just as scared of the rejection as I was and would eventually move on to a girl who made them feel good and could tell them what she wanted, instead of confusingly giving them the mixed signals of kissing them and then teasing them because I didn’t want them to think I liked them, if they didn’t like me. Ugh, I am frustrated just thinking about it.

Not until I was able to step back, choose an amazing guy who was able to care for me, slowly tear down my own wall and let him in did things really change for me. It was me who wanted love but always kept them at a distance hoping they would magically read my mind and figure out what I needed. Guess what ladies? It took me awhile to realize it, but everything gets a lot easier when you tell them what you need and then allow them to actually give it to you. I know, genius.

Looking back, I realize that I never regret the boys that I told how I felt. Even if it blew up in my face and the end results were not what I was hoping for, eventually the embarrassment would pass and the knowledge of where I stood allowed me to move on to bigger and better things. So when I finally had someone in my life who was smart, funny, incredible and took my heart and carried it in the palm of his gentle and caring hand I vowed to never hold back those feelings again. Never leave him wondering how I felt, where he stood or how life changing he is in my life. Because something as beautiful as love should never be kept a secret.

So ladies, who are you ready to tell? Talk to me.

Photo found on http://vkontakte.ru/id34495954#/fuck_you_principles?z=photo-24253689_263380798%2Fac224195d455043c15

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About the Author, Kira Sabin - Dating Coach

Spunky dating coach, college and sorority speaker, radio host, travel junkie, mac lover, pop culture addict, anglophile, future super star, sushi fanatic, Italy worshiper, champagne drinker, like your big sister....with a lot better advice.

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http://womenarefrommars.wordpress.com/ NikkiB

It is better to regret the things you’ve done, that those you did not do.

*Sigh*. It was my last summer before college. He was a year younger than me. We went to punk shows together, and I fell head over heels watching him half-nekkid kickin’ ass in the pit (not even kidding). We hung out every minute we could. Two days before I left for Cali, he lent me a CD because then we would have to see each other before I left so I could give it back.

I never told him how I felt. We grew apart and now I don’t know him at all.

From then on, I told myself I would never have regret over inaction again.

Right now? Contemplating telling a friend to tell her friend the Adorable Dimpled Waiter that he can have my phone number. If he’d like it.

http://www.thecollegecrush.com College Crush

I totally get it Nikki. I say give that Adorable Dimpled Waiter your number….what is the worst that can happen?

Kira

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jenna

what If you’re afraid that you’ll ruin a friendship and that they will avoid you if you say something because they will think you can’t get over them?

-Afraid

Melisa

I was a senior in college this year, and I had the same issue in the fall. I’m old fashioned and believe in the guy making the first move, but I had grown tired of the mixed signals and waiting. It took me 2 weeks to finally decide to tell him my feelings. He just wanted to stay friends. It sucked, but I don’t regret doing it.

Honestly I feel that in life things become awkward if you let them become awkward. I personally refused to act awkward about it. He nonchalantly mentioned feeling a little strange about telling me stuff now that he knew I liked him. I gave him the option to bail out of our friendship if he felt too uncomfortable, but he didn’t. The school year just ended and right now we are best friends. But I won’t lie to you. Trying to make friendships work after the “cats out of the bag” is difficult and confusing, BUT it works if you both find joy in the friendship and are willing to try and make it work.

jess

what if he’s one of your best friends and he has a girlfriend, although they do not seem happy together?
Allison

This is such a good thing to keep in mind. I’ve been single for… well basically forever. And it’s not that I’ve never met guys that I liked or been asked out. I recently realized that the reason nothing ever developed was because I was either waiting for them to make a move, to confess their feelings or I was just too scared to take a risk on a guy I barely knew.

It’s so frustrating, but now that I recognize my problem with guys, hopefully I can make a change and put myself out there.
Joanne

This article is so great. I met this boy at the beginning of our freshman year and immediately fell for him. We had an instant connection and quickly became best friends. Over the first months of our friendship, I was hoping that he would fall in love with me too and we would live happily ever after. We spent weekend after weekend dancing together at parties and staying up all night talking and, eventually, making out. He admitted to having feelings for me too, and we started dating a few weeks later. Everything was picture perfect. Until the last night before we left for summer. He told me (in tears!) that he wasn’t sure if we were meant to be in love or if we were meant to be best friends. We’re still together and we’re just taking it easy this summer and figuring it out when we get back to school. I’m still crazy about him, but I want him to be happy. I’m trying not to worry too much.

Through this crazy roller coaster ride of “best friend or boyfriend”, I’ve had times where I’ve thought “maybe I just shouldn’t have said anything”. I always snap out of it though. I’m so proud of myself for putting myself out there, vulnerable as could be. This article just completely validated my decision to tell him how I feel and to continue being honest. Thanks!!
hillary

“It was me who wanted love but always kept them at a distance hoping they would magically read my mind and figure out what I needed. ”
Preach, girl… preach.

This article couldn’t have showed up at a better time in my life. I just decided last night that after pining for the past two years over my best guy friend that I was going to finally tell him how I felt. We dated for a little bit in high school, but have become so much closer since we went to college. We go to school in different states, but everytime I even think about another guy, I just keep coming back to him. I’ve been so frustrated about this… as angsty as a 13 year old girl, wondering why it wasn’t working out. But how is anything ever supposed to come true if you don’t take that first leap of faith? I met him for coffee today and was going to confess to him but then chickened out. After much convincing from my friends and pretty much everyone else around me, I have decided once and for all that the truth is coming out whether he likes it or not.

Thank you so much for reassuring me that this was the right thing to do. Fingers crossed that it turns out good, but if not, at least I won’t wonder for the rest of my life, like I have in the past.

hillary

Welp, I did it. And after 15 minutes of well-rehearsed bearing of my soul to him on the phone, telling how much I care about him and want a second chance, he tells me he’s …. GAY. Yeah. I’ve known this kid for ten years. Never saw it coming. As much as it sucks right now, I’m still glad I pulled the trigger and told him how I felt… I highly recommend it! While I may not have gotten the best response, I now know where we stand and can go from there and finally move on. I can now deal with some issues of my own that I wasn’t expecting to face, mainly that I fell in love with a gay guy, but also I can redefine our friendship. I feel so much closer to him now and able to move forward.

http://www.kirasabin.com Dating Makeover Coach

SHUT UP!!! I am so proud of you Hillary. Sometimes you just need to know so you can learn and move on to someone who is available. Good for you.

Kira

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